February 7, 2009 – Lola's Curmudgeonly Musings

Sometimes It’s Hard to Find Grace Even When You Try

It’s hard to write about the good things when you are still immersed in the loss, but perhaps if I do this, I will feel better. Perhaps I can find my way back to my words tomorrow, and they will come to me anew and be better than they were the first time, before they became lost in the ether, before they left me alone and bereft at the loss of a piece of myself that I was trying to reconnect with, to touch the past and recall it for permanent memory.

1. My little family, such as it is. We all have our little quirks and foibles, but I would not trade any of them for anything in the world. They are my joy.

2. My claddagh ring. I have a gold one with a garnet in the middle. I don’t wear it any more because as with much of my jewelry, I have almost worn it out. The garnet face it quite scratched, and the back of the gold band has become very thin from wear. I have put the ring away for safekeeping for now. I’ve had it for many years.

3. Linen water. I got in the habit years ago of using linen water on my sheets each time I changed them. I usually buy lavender or something fresh smelling like rosemary or or verbena. I also use linen water on my towels.

4. I have a small silver picture frame the contains a picture of Corey and me on our wedding day. It has been on my desk wherever I have been. Now it sits on the windowsill beside my bed.

5. When I was a teenager, our backdoor neighbor was very close friends with our family. The mom gave me a small clown (about 1.5 inches tall) made of pebbles that had been glued together and painted, and with a small wire, was holding a small pebble that said “Luv You.” Normally, I really hate clowns. But I’ve carried that little clown around with me and put it on every desk that I’ve had over the years, just as a reminder of Idy.

That’s all for now. It really took a lot. More later. Peace.

I was half way through part four of Lives in Pieces: Vale et memini (Goodbye and I Remember). It was called Halloween But No Thanksgiving.

I started it late last night, and then planned to finish it this afternoon so that I could post it today along with links to the previous three posts and the post 4 post in the series. I stopped last night because I was tired, and I really don’t remember where I was in my thoughts when I stopped.

Today when I got on the computer it was there because I opened the draft. I opened the draft, and then I did my usual perusing of other sites and made some comments, and then, somehow, I still cannot believe this, somehow, I deleted, lost, blew up, my draft of Part 4.

There is no Part 4. There is no trash can on Word Press. There is no overall go back button on Word Press. Word Press is a lot of things, but it is not an individual website in which you have folders, and drafts. This is not their fault. It is mine.

I am so upset right now that I cannot begin to recreate Part 4. I cannot do my Grace in Small Things right now. Maybe in a few hours.

I had been putting off Part 4 because it is probably the hardest part of the series to write. I was finally read to tackle it, and now it is lost in the blogosphere. I am wounded beyond repair at the moment and need time to lick my wounds and regroup.