“Dawn” by Janson Jones (Floridana Alaskiana)*
“A friend is one to whom one can pour out all the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keeping what is worth keeping . . .”
“. . . and, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” ~ Arabian Proverb
My second semester of teaching at ODU was one of the hardest. Caitlin had died the previous November, and I had managed to finish the Fall semester with my two classes. But going into Spring semester was an endurance test.
I was just trying to survive the fact that my entire life had been turned upside down. I frequently burst into tears, and was more depressed than I ever had been or have been since. The one good thing about that semester was the entrance of a new person into my life: Mari LoNano.
Mari’s (pronounced like Mary) office was right next to mine. We had talked briefly during the Fall term, and then more after Caitlin died, but our friendship really bloomed during the Spring (no pun intended). We began to eat lunch together and to have long conversations about life, death, and survival. By that summer, we had become inseparable, and by the fall semester, when Marty, Mari’s former office mate, moved up in the hierarchy and was given an office to herself, Mari and I became office mates.
It had been a long time since I had had friendship with another woman on a daily basis, and it was something that I really cherished. In fact, I’m not sure that I would have survived that first year after Caitlin if not for Mari.
“Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light.” ~ Albert Schweitzer
I realized in those first painful months that I was but a shell of my former self. I wasn’t sure about anything, least of all life and my own existence. Mari offered me comfort in so many ways, but probably the most meaningful way in which she became an important part in my life was through our long conversations. Mari told me about the death of her mother years before. It was obviously still very painful for her.
Like me, Mari carried around an immense amount of survivor’s guilt. After caring for her mother during her illness, Mari had not been with her when she died. I could tell that this fact bothered her tremendously. It colored all of her relationships.
We were two lost souls, and we found each other. I have no doubts that fate brought us together.
“Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being.” ~ Goethe
Another important aspect of our friendship was that we were both aspiring poets. Mari had more experience in the craft than I did. At the time, I was still writing mostly from my gut, paying little attention to the actual craft of poetry. We shared our poems, and from her I learned more about line breaks and rhythm than I had ever learned in my undergraduate workshops.
She was also responsible for broadening my horizons into contemporary poets. From her I learned about Bruce Weigl, Christopher Buckley, Molly Peacock, Kate Daniels, and countless other wonderful poets. It was the opening of an important door for me: Writers become better by reading the works of those they admire.
Most of my poetry dealt with grief, while Mari wrote about a wide range of topics: her sister’s horse, her mother, her grandfather, her dogs, nature. I was amazed by her ability to bring to life images and to capture feelings.
We tried to inspire each other into writing more, and we talked about going to poetry retreats some day—something that unfortunately, we never managed to do.
“No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever.” ~ Francois Mocuriac
We found that another thing that we had in common was that both of our husbands had attended Virginia Tech in the forestry and wildlife program. Ironically, neither of our husbands were working in their fields.
Mari’s husband was working for UPS, and mine was working for the medical school as a radiation safety officer. Luckily for us, Buddy and Paul hit it off, and we started to do things together as couples; going to dinner along with Marty and Jack was always a nice evening out. And the four of us would try new restaurants in the area. Those dinners were great fun.
But mostly, it was Mari and me together. One of our favorite things to do was to eat at the cafeteria near the mall where they had those great rolls and then go shopping. Boy did we shop. For about four straight years, we went shopping at least once a week. Unfortunately, my shopping addiction was my way of dealing with my grief, not a very healthy coping mechanism, especially because of the debt that I incurred.
Mari shopped for a lot of reasons: she loved fashion; she had the money to buy pretty much what she wanted, and I believe that shopping also filled a void for her as well. Regardless, we had some great times finding bargains at T.J. Maxx and Marshalls, two of our favorite stores.
“The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship.” ~ Sir Francis Bacon
I ended up at The Chrysler Museum after doing some freelance work, and Mari got a job at a very prominent private school. I have to admit that even though I loved my job at the museum, I was envious of her new teaching position. Our new jobs caused us to see each other less frequently, and then, suddenly, abruptly, our friendship ended.
Mari was going through a very turbulent time in her life, and I was trying to be supportive, but it seems that something came between us. I spent months trying to get Mari to explain to me what had gone wrong, but I never really got an explanation. Finally, hurt and frustrated, I stopped trying.
One of the last times that I saw her before she moved out of the area was purely by accident. We ran into each other at the post office. By that time, she had divorced Buddy, and I was separated from Paul. Our lives were still moving on parallel paths, but they were not intersecting as they once had.
I truly grieved the loss of my friendship with Mari. At first I didn’t realize that I was grieving. It took my therapist pointing it out to me before I acknowledged the obvious. Mari’s exit from my life was a significant loss, so important and integral had she been for years.
“Hold a true friend with both your hands.” ~ Nigerian Proverb
I thought about Mari a great deal over the years. Finally, in 2005 when I was working for the realty company, I did a Google search to try to locate Mari. I found out where she was working, and I e-mailed her and included a poem that I had written about her. It was called “Your Mother’s Pink Sweater.” I had written it in response to a poem that she had written about her mother that I never forgot, “Flying Into the Sun.” The poem was about her mother, and it mentioned a pink sweater that her mother asked for when she was dying.
I was surprised but incredibly happy when Mari wrote back to me. It was as if the years and distance between us had never happened. We started writing and calling each other, and we are still in touch today. We’ve never had the long talk about what went wrong. We’ve been saving it for the day when we live near each other again and can float around in the pool, sipping iced tea together. I’m content with that.
“For believe me, in this world which is ever slipping from under our feet, it is the prerogative of friendship to grow old with one’s friends.” ~ Arthur S. Hardy
I’m glad that I finally decided to find her. I had been talking about it for years, and Corey kept urging me to do something about it. I suppose I waited because I was terribly afraid of being rejected again, and I just wasn’t sure that I could handle that. Luckily, that is not how things turned out, and I got my best friend back.
When Mari and I were writing together, we used to talk about growing old together, how we would get a house by the sea and two Adirondack chairs. And then we would spend our days growing flowers, watching birds, and reading. It was a wonderful fantasy. I don’t know that our plans will ever come to fruition, but if I had to choose one friend to grow old with together, it would be Mari.
More later. Peace.
*Most of the images in this post are from Janson Jones’s blog, Floridana Alaskiana. I know that Mari loves beautiful photography and nature and would appreciate the beauty of these pictures. To see more of this incredible photography, please visit http://floridana.typepad.com/weblog/.
Your Mother’s Pink Sweater
I have it, you know,
your mother’s pink sweater,
the one she wore
when she ran headlong
into the ocean. I claim it.
I stole it from you
when you were distracted
by the boy’s brown skin.
I placed it in a box, beneath unsent words
and misdirected sorrow.
No longer the color of spring peonies.
you would be much pressed
to avouch its heritage.
Stained by too many tears,
It little resembles the soft, pink yarn
of youthful memory. Nor do we.
Who holds your hands now
when you step into the night?
Do your thoughts fly south
I have your mother’s pink sweater.
Do not ask me to return it.
I have woven its threads into my tapestry.
It cannot be separated without unmaking.
Did you think that I would leave it
untouched for eight years?
January 28, 2005
6 thoughts on ““Friendship is a sheltering tree” ~ Samuel Coleridge”
I love this entry. Mari Lonano was one of my English professors at ODU when I returned to college back in 89, (a returning woman student at 23, ha!). I recently stumbled upon the letter of reference she wrote for me and was reminded of her belief, confidence and encouragement of me as a writer. She was a huge source of inspiration and to this day I value and thank her for rekindling that light. Finding her letter made me want to see what & how she is doing now, which is how I found your post. Please pass along to her my best. Your essay is honest, sentimental, but not overly so, and expresses well the joy and hurt you felt. I went through a similar situation, and what a void was created when my friend was gone. Thanks for an uplifting Friday surprise.
Thanks for stopping by. Mari and I shared an office beginning in Fall 89. I’ll be sure to let her know that you stopped by.
For some reason, I get a lot of emails about the posts I write, rather than comments. Go figure! But they tend to comment on the post, then go into how they relate to their own circumstances. Some additional feedback( such as the feedback you give) would be great, although emails are always a nice surprise 🙂
That’s really interesting. Maybe it’s that inviting Oprah quality that you possess that encourages people to confide things in you. Whereas, I am definitely not warm and fuzzy. It would be nice to see them comment on your blog (since I know that you have a wide and varied audience) so that we could get some discussions going.
What an uplifting piece. I am so happy that you and Mari have reunited. I know how difficult being separated from your best friends can be.
You may still end up as two elderly ladies in your deck chairs by the sea 🙂
Yes, I am so glad that she is back in my life. Too bad you don’t still have your cottage by the sea!
P.S. How do you get so many e-mails? Are they about your post? You are always thanking people for e-mailing you. Just curious. Is it a way of getting more people to read your blog?