Fall Colors Chugach State Park, Alaska, by Janson Jones*
“And you would accept the seasons of your heart just as you have always accepted that seasons pass over your fields and you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.” ~ Kahlil Gibran
“Autumn is a second spring where every leaf is a flower.” ~ Albert Camus
It’s been rainy and cloudy here for days, which is all right considering that my spirits have been rainy and cloudy for days as well. But a few days ago, something subtle changed: It is beginning to smell like fall.
I remember when I was a child, fall lasted longer. And before they were such harbingers of air pollution, the smells of neighbors’ fireplaces infused the night with the comforting aromas of woodsmoke.
The falls that I spent with my family in Great Bridge were especially wonderful. With the longer days, my cousins and I would stay outside as long as possible playing hide-n-seek well past dark, the big Sycamore tree in the front yard serving as home base. The sounds of tennis shoes crashed through the thick carpet of fallen leaves as we all raced home so that we wouldn’t be tagged “it.”
Leaves and sticker balls everywhere. Ignoring calls to come in now. Irreplaceable memories of our innocent days.
On Sunday afternoons, smells of burning piles of leaves permeated the neighborhood. This was before Great Bridge was overdeveloped to the point that trees are almost non-existent. The big trees in my aunt and uncle’s yard were enormous. Someone tied a tire swing to one of the trees in the backyard, and we would push each other so high, high enough to get flutters in our bellies.
My cousins Butch and Sheryl tried to get me to climb the tree with the tire and then jump off a branch while in the tire. If any of our parents knew an iota of the things that we did. Good times.
“Autumn to winter, winter into spring, Spring into summer, summer into fall—So rolls the changing year, and so we change; Motion so swift, we know not that we move. ” ~ Dinah Maria Mulock
Sundays at Great Bridge were such a large part of my life for so long. Being an only child, those times spent playing with my cousins are some of the best memories of my life. We were a motley group. No one wore designer clothes or expensive tennis shoes. We were made equal by our extreme ordinariness.
Of course, I was different—no blonde hair, no ordinary name, the ony one with no siblings—but after their initial mistrust faded of anyone who didn’t know what iced tea was, I was never treated any differently.
In actuality, the younger ones, the ones who were my age, were my second cousins; my first cousins were closer to my mother’s age, daughter’s of my Aunt Ronnie and Uncle Ros. We were all close, until the first divorce, the first move out of the area, the first pregnancy. Time and circumstance, as they always have a way of doing, stepped in and ended our idyllic lives.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I saw one of them, but I’ll be seeing all of them soon. My Aunt Ronnie died yesterday. She had suffered from Alzheimer’s for a number of years. That most unkind of diseases that takes over the brain, erases memories, makes even the most familiar face into the face of a stranger.
The last time she saw me, she did remember me, fleetingly. But it was so long ago
“A few days ago I walked along the edge of the lake and was treated to the crunch and rustle of leaves with each step I made. The acoustics of this season are different and all sounds, no matter how hushed, are as crisp as autumn air.”
~ Eric Sloane
For me, Aunt Ronnie was the closest thing to a grandmother that I had. When my cousins called her grandma, I was always so envious. A part of me wished that I could call her grandma as well.
I used to buy my Aunt Ronnie butterfly pins for Christmas. She loved butterflies.
I never knew my mother’s mother. She died when mom was only eight years old. The youngest of 12 children, my mother was raised by her older brothers and sisters. My Aunt Ronnie was almost the oldest of the 12, so my mother’s relationship with her oldest sister was very close, more like mother and daughter than sisters at times.
I wasn’t as close to Uncle Ros. I don’t really know why, but the first time I met my Aunt Ronnie was when Mom and I were visiting the States while Dad was stationed in London. I remember that my cousin Jeanette and her husband at the time had been in a horrible car accident, and everyone was recuperating.
I was overwhelmed by all of the people and completely unused to so many children in my own age range. It was great. I never wanted to leave.
“Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all.” ~ Stanley Horowitz
Once my dad retired from the Navy and we moved back to the area, visits to Great Bridge became almost weekly events.
Christmas at Great Bridge was such an occasion. We would open presents on Christmas Eve. So many presents everywhere. But Christmas Day we would all get together for Christmas dinner.
I know that I’ve written about Sunday dinners at Great Bridge before, but Christmas dinner was the ultimate Sunday dinner: turkey, stuffing, country-style green beans, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, greens, country ham, homemade biscuits (usually two batches), sweet tea. Homemade banana pudding, fudge and pies for dessert.
And the most amazing aspect of this feast was that until she was in her 70’s, my Aunt Ronnie made almost all of the food by herself. If someone were going to contribute something to the dinner, it was usually dessert.
We would eat in the early afternoon, and then the parents would watch football and nap on the couch, Uncle Ros in his recliner, while all of the cousins would go outside and get into whatever we could, depending upon the weather. If there was snow, so much the better. There was no keeping us inside.
Then later in the early evening, people would snack on ham biscuits, turkey sandwiches, cakes and pie. Sleepy, satisfied and totally at ease in each other’s company
“Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will be; what is is change.”~ Edwin Way Teale
I remember their long driveway would be packed, two-wide with cars, the overflow going onto the street. Leaving was always strategic, depending upon who was parked where and whether or not the car was small enough to turn around in the front yard.
Eventually, we stopped going to Great Bridge for Christmases, long after I had gotten married (the first time), and Alexis was born. Of all of my children, only Alexis really remembers Aunt Ronnie. My mom would take Alexis with her when she would go to Great Bridge to visit. Alexis would play with my cousin Theresa’s daughter who was a few years older.
Christmas celebrations had moved from my Aunt Ronnie’s house to one of her daughter’s houses. It just wasn’t the same.
And of course, we had all grown up, gotten married, moved away, changed jobs, had children. My second cousins still went, but I kind of dropped out of the fold.
I saw many of them at my Uncle Ros’s funeral several years ago. It was an event that I had to attend and then return to work, so I didn’t have time to visit with anyone. Sunday will be different. I have the time now. I have the memories. I have the regret. I have the loss, the second in less than a month.
“Once more I am the silent one
who came out of the distance
wrapped in cold rain and bells:
I owe to earth’s pure death
the will to sprout.” ~ Pablo Neruda
My mother says that she isn’t going to go to Great Bridge for Aunt Ronnie’s funeral, that she’s never going to another funeral again, that she doesn’t want to see Aunt Ronnie in her coffin; it will give her nightmares.
I don’t agree with her method of coping, but it really doesn’t matter if I agree or not. Does it? Her unwillingness to visit the family bothers me tremendously, just as her unwillingness to go to Uncle Melchor’s funeral bothered me.
We are so different, my mother and I. While I love to keep hand me downs from family members, appreciate antiques and the memories that go with them, my mother calls it clutter and sees no point in it. I see a tea service that she bought on Portobello Road in London as something to be cherished, a reminder of our time in London and that wonderful section of booths and shops. My mother has no use for it.
Who knows, when I get to be her age, maybe I’ll feel the same way, but I doubt it.
My memories make me who I am. All of the little nooks and crannies in my mind are filled to overflowing with the sweet and the bittersweet. To me, that is life. Little pieces of jewelry, a china cup and saucer, a silver sugar bowl—each is part of a story, my story.
It makes me sad for my mother who only wants to think about happy things, who won’t watch anything deep or sad, who loves sitcoms and talk shows. Don’t misunderstand. It’s not what she does but what she doesn’t do that makes me sad. What saddens me is that she closed a part of herself off a long time ago, and it has been so long since she went through that door that I don’t think she remembers how.
“There is no answer to any of these questions. It’s a matter of time and timing, of seas and seasons, of breathing in and breathing out. It’s a matter of balance.” ~ Peter McWilliams
Yes, funerals are for the living. My mother wants to be cremated, as do I, as does Corey, all for different reasons. What happens to our bodies after we die is not really the important thing. But memorial services allow a chance for those left behind to say goodbye, to talk about the person who has been lost with fond words, to forget petty arguments, to remember Sunday dinners and sticker ball fights, new bicycles at Christmas and melt-on-your tongue homemade biscuits.
My Aunt Ronnie’s death is like the closing of yet another chapter in my life, a very good chapter, one filled with so much loving and giving. The woman in the casket is not the woman I loved. The woman I loved is already gone; unfortunately, she has been gone for quite a while, ravaged by an unrelenting disease that rips apart everyone touched by it.
But in my mind’s eye, I still see her smile quite clearly. I remember her dining room table, filled to overflowing, and the conversations around it. That was my Aunt Ronnie. The woman who said come and see me sometime. The woman who liked “The Old Rugged Cross” but did not like “Amazing Grace.” The woman who accepted butterfly pins from a young girl with as much relish as if they were rare gems.
These are my memories, the pictures inside the permanent locket of my heart, the ties that bind and make us who we are. The sweet tea of the soul. Piles of fallen leaves. Running as fast as possible when the coast was clear. Touching home base. Being safe. Knowing unconditional love.
More later. Peace.
9 thoughts on “Touching Home Base”
I found this post very moving. Your writing style is uncluttered and emotional-two excellent qualities.
I’m running a competition over at my little site. It’s for flash fiction-any subject with no more than 300 words. Why not join in? I think that you’d do an fantastic job. Hope to hear from you.
Thanks for stopping by. I jumped to your site–very eclectic and engaging. I like the idea of flash fiction, but don’t know if I’m cut out for it as I tend to blather a bit. I’ll give it some thought.
Please drop by again.
Lita, Sorry for your loss. I remember your cousins. I wanted to comment on your Mom and her view on “old things” and family. Oddly, my mother is the same way. Very sad, or so I feel. She has a cousin that has researched her family on her father’s side – bores her to tears. And sometimes angers her. He once told her that her father was quite the disciplinarian,something her and my aunt flatly refused to believe.My mother and aunt were the offspring of a second marriage and my grandfather was 55 when my mother was born. He had children that were old enough to be my mother’s father. I tried to explain to my mom that a man at 55, much different than a man in his 20’s or 30’s. To no avail, she would not accept that her father did “tan some hides” in his younger days because ” Daddy was a quiet gentle man” NO, he was OLD!!!!!
She too, has no use for hand me downs. I have my grandmother’s 100+ year old trunk, I have family pictures, I am interested in my ancestors. My Dad on the other hand, had a insatiable appetite for family history. He loved it when I traced his back 5 generations -even though one was in court in th 1700’s for paternity issues – LOTS! GRIN! He loved any information I could find and cherished the family bible.
I am like you- at a loss as to why all of this means so little to my mother. She loved her parents, she even took them in when no one else in the family would. She never calls her cousins, avoids funerals like the plague, and gets annoyed when any of her cousins do call. I sometimes think that she and my aunt, who is 85, ( do you remember Aunt Gracie) do not wish to think about the past as they feel they do not have much of a future. I don’t know.
But I do know this, when they do talk, I listen and I try to write it down. I want to know where I came from – good bad and ugly. I have found out pleasant (my great grandmother was an accomplishe pianist, my grandmother survived a hurricane lying in bed with her mom) and unpleasant things (my ancestor was a bit of a Casanova and a “slickster” and my grandfather was a hell raiser until he found God)
Sorry, I haven’t written in awhile – lots going on. I will send an email.
Yes, I remember Aunt Gracie. How odd. Mom’s dad was not gentle either. Maybe that has something to do with it. She only has two sisters left, and isn’t speaking to one of them. She’s mad at her cousins, and doesn’t want to get involved. I’ve never done any kind of tree research, but I know that my mom would abhor it if I did. I once offered to put some of her old photographs from when she and dad were young into an album for her, and her response was ‘what on earth for?’
I just have to try to not let it bother me, I suppose. Hope things with Leyna and kids are going better.
It’s funny how you grow up, talk to someone you barely know, and yet your histories could be interchangeable. Albeit, the details are strikingly opposite.
I grew up in the city and everyone in my family lived within a four block radius of each other. And being the Irish/Italian Catholics we are, there was never shortage of friends (4 brothers, 2 sisters, 9 nieces and nephews, 13 uncles, 11 aunts, and 53 first cousins). There were huge Sunday dinners, holidays, and special events filled with warmth, laughter and unintelligible languages… it was great. And we kids, we roamed the streets like little explorer urchins on the hunt until the yell from one of our mothers called us home.
I’m all growed up now and my family, well, they’re scattered to all four corners of the country. We see each other now and then, are touched by the most briefest of smiles when we get to witness they’re triumphs and tragedies in pigmented color that never seems to hint at the beauty that embraces them.
I miss it, too. I miss that closeness. I miss that freedom and safety. I miss home.
.I’m sorry about your Aunt.
(I think that I think of you in Janey terms).
You’re right. We have very different yet interchangeable histories in so many ways. I love your description: “We get to witness their triumphs and tragedies in pigmented color that never seems to hint at the beauty that embraces them.”
I miss home so much. I think that I’ve been looking for it ever since those long lost days.
Heh. I do love the name Janey, so use at will. And awww, your likeness made me blush.
As far as the search…you and me both.
My sincere condolences on the sad passing of your Aunt Ronnie.She must have been an incredible woman and one you obviously love very much. It is so wonderful to have all those cherished memories, that you can revisit any time. Gentler times, of carefree days as a child with cousins, to those massive family get togethers, where relatives share food and good times. I lament the fact the families have become so dislocated. Not by choice but circumstance.As I get older I want to feel connected again to family, not just for me but for Prue, so she will have extended family long after I have gone.
A beautiful piece Lita.
Thank you. I have wonderful memories of those days to sustain me.