“Throw away the light, the definitions, and say what you see in the dark.” ~ Wallace Stevens

Music Man by psyberartist (FCC)

                   

“The days are nouns:  touch them The hands are churches that worship the world.” ~ Naomi Shihab Nye, from “Daily”

Tuesday afternoon. Sunny and mild, mid 50’s.

Rusted Piano Screws by psyberartist FCC

I had planned to post yesterday, but then I kind of went crazy in the house. I got everything done except for cleaning off the dining room table. The house looks and smells great, but I am paying for it dearly—back and arms are killing me, and the low-grade headache that I’ve been carrying around for weeks errupted into something more painful.

Of course, you would think that such exertion would allow me to fall into bed and deep, restful sleep. You would think, but you would be wrong, I saw 4 a.m. come and go once more. Oh well.

Corey has the same ridiculous shift this week that he had last week, which means that he’s getting about six hours of sleep between shifts. The good news, I suppose, is that the shifts end after tomorrow: He’s leaving this weekend. Now that he finally has a scheduled departure date, I’m more numb than anything. I know that I’ve had ample time to adjust my thinking about all of this, but that doesn’t mean that I’ve actually done so. Far from it.

The next few weeks should be nothing if not interesting.

“No one knows what will happen, but you and I at least, while the music of the murmur invents us, will have no part in anyone’s war, we will waste nothing, a signal going through us, like an inkling of god or a hunger for strawberries or the indisputable fact of love.” ~ Dean Young, from The Art of Recklessness: Poetry as Assertive Force and Contradiction

I’m scheduled to get my Botox shots for my migraines on the 21st and to have my pulmonary function test on the 20th. The Singulair has helped with the wheezing, but I’m still coughing. I’m hoping that I don’t have to stay on the Singulair as it has some unpleasant side effects, that, and I really don’t want to add yet another medicine to my regimen.

Old Piano Knobs by psyberartist (FCC)

I am concerned about my blood pressure, though. The last three times that it’s been checked, it was quite high. I had attributed it to being sick and to being stuck in the ER, but the last time was in the doctor’s office, and I didn’t feel particularly stressed. I know that high blood pressure runs on my dad’s side of the family, and his father and a brother both had strokes, so I suppose it’s something that I need to watch, as if there isn’t enough already.

So aside from my ailing body and body parts, the washer has decided to die, and one of the cracks in the sliding door finally gave way, and a pane fell out. Corey put up some wood, which makes the door very heavy, but there’s nothing else we can do before he leaves. Replacing the back door is going to cost big bucks, and there is always something else more pressing, like the washing machine. The part costs $100. Geez.

We could probably pick up a used washer somewhere, but then there is the issue of transporting the darned thing, that, and trying to maneuver it through the house to the garage, as access through the garage is impossible. I love my house

“It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident or time or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you.” ~ Lillian Hellman

It’s already the second week of February, and January seems so far away. The days go by so quickly, and yet I never seem to get anything done.

The Keys Remain by psyberartist (FCC)

I did cut my hair, though. Did a fairly good job of it this time. I was having one of those days, and the urge had been creeping up on me for a while, so a few days ago, I cut off about three inches all over and managed to get some layers in. I’ll probably never be able to repeat the job that I did. But it feels bettter, not so heavy.

So that’s my big accomplishment for the beginning of the year. I know that I’ve done a lot of other things, like setting up my new desk and sorting and condensing the office supplies, but nothing seems significant. I wonder when my life became so insignificant. I wonder at what point I actually stopped having goals.

I mean, when you have a career, you have goals: next raise, next possible promotion. Or when you are learning a musical instrument, your goal is the next piece that you can master. When writing regularly, the goal is the next word, the next sentence, the next page. But what happens to those of us who live our lives within ourselves, in quiet desperation?

Does the goal become merely to survive? To hold onto reality a little longer? To make it to the next Dr. Who season? Have I truly reached the point at which I measure not my life but my days in coffee spoons (nod to T.S.)?

Tomorrow I might give the dogs a bath, and maybe I’ll do some more laundry (speaking of which, last night I dreamed that I was doing laundry with my friend Kathleen, great way to waste a dream). And of course, I have the taxes to look forward to—that’s always a thrill . . .

More geez. I think that I’ll stop for now.

*All photos in this post, which are taken from psyberartist’s Flickr site, feature images of an old piano that was sitting in someone’s trash. Amazing—beauty in found places.

More later. Peace.

                   

Sequestrienne

Don’t look at me
for answers. Who am I but
a sobriquet,
a teeth-grinder,
grinder of color,
and vanishing point?
There was a time
of middle distance, unforgettable,
a sort of lace-cut
flame-green filament
to ravish my
skin-tight eyes.
I take that back—
it was forgettable but not
entirely if you
consider my
heavenly bodies . . .
I loved them so.
Heaven’s motes sift
to salt-white—paint is ground
to silence; and I,
I am bound, unquiet,
a shade of blue
in the studio.
If it isn’t too late
let me waste one day away
from my history.
Let me see without
looking inside
at broken glass.

~ Dorothea Tanning (1910–2012)

Dorothea Tanning | Art and design | The Guardian (ipnagogicosentire.wordpress.com)

Surrealist Painter, Sculptor and Writer Dorothea Tanning Dies at 101 (laughingsquid.com)

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4 thoughts on ““Throw away the light, the definitions, and say what you see in the dark.” ~ Wallace Stevens

  1. Hi Lita:

    What if you made a “bucket list” of some things you’d like to accomplish? It doesn’t have to be elaborate… Whether the things on the list edge us towards a goal, or whether they are things that make us happy that we want to incorporate into our lives, or whether they are things that will give us a sense of accomplishment… Looking at the list over and over makes us focus… (Of course, there’s the elephant and the rider thing… which is always going to be a struggle… The rider is the logical part of the brain and the elephant is the emotional part that is so easily distracted by that bar of chocolate sitting there… or that chai tea latte… or the invitation of pillows on the bed…)

    As for blood pressure, you could try reducing salt, increasing potassium, do deep breathing, and walk (even inside the house – say for 10 minutes after each meal). Potassium-rich foods include: dried herbs like chervil, coriander, parsley, basil, dill, tarragon, turmeric, saffron, oregano; avocados; paprika, red chili powder; cocoa powder/ chocolate; dried apricots, prunes, zante currants, raisins; pumpkin, squash, sunflower & flax seeds; fish: pompano, salmon, halibut, tuna; beans: white beans have the most, then: adzuki, soy, lima, pinto, kidney, great northern, navy, pigeon peas, cranberry, french, lentils, split peas, black hyancinth, yardlong; medjool dates; bananas; coconut water; OJ; sundried tomatoes; palm hearts; baked potatoes + skin; molasses; clams, whelks; whey powder; rice bran; dried figs; watermelon seeds; spinach; sweet potato; brussel sprouts; and yogurt.

    I make myself go outside and walk for 30 minutes, but I really need more. So I’ve made myself walk around in the house – pulling a cat toy. So, this helps me and the cats – and it’s fun, too. It goes by fast. You can do it in your pajamas…

    There was this story about a woman in the mountains… I think in Colorado… Every year she planted some kind of flower bulbs – I don’t remember what kind. But, every year she added more until the whole hill or whatever was covered with a blanket of flowers in the spring. I’m sure she gave joy to a lot of people who passed that hill – perhaps for years longer than she lived. A handful of people can do that, others just give joy to their own family and friends – which is still a feat. Some people have given a great amount to mankind and are not remembered at all – and some people spent time on this earth and did little to be remembered, but even still, they are worthy human beings. You cannot always see the ways that we are inexplicably linked to the fabric of this planet… Sort of a butterfly effect…

    The other morning I woke up with part of a Joni Mitchell song in my head, a sort of motivational line, “There’ll be ______ to bring to school tomorrow….” And, I was trying to remember what the word was, I knew it had 3 syllables… and the only thing I could think of was “sausages”. Now I keep making myself laugh by thinking “There’ll be sausages to bring to school tomorrow.” (Of course, I looked it up and it was “crocuses”. Funny how things evade us sometimes.

    1. Wow, what an informative comment. I’ll keep in mind the things for the blood pressure. As for the walking, now that I’m almost breathing normally, I’m going to proceed with my plan to take Tillie for a walk each day (or as many days as I can). I miss walking, and I know that it’s good for me in so many ways–cholesterol, blood pressure, weight, etc.

      I love the story about the woman and the bulbs. Such a great undertaking that I’m sure lasted long after she did. Is it wanting to be remembered that is bothering me? I really don’t know.

      I love, love, love “sausages to bring to school tomorrow.” Sure, the original word was crocuses, but sausages–such a better visual image, don’t you think.

      By the way, don’t think that I missed your addition of chocolate in the middle of the list. Any excuse, of course!

  2. hello,

    as always, excellent post.

    i hope corey’s departure goes smoothly for you. as a former military spouse, i can understand how you feel about family separation.

    you’re so prolific! i wanted to let you know how much i liked your truman capote post; he is one of my all time favorites.

    here is a song/video i thought you might like:

    take care 🙂

    peace,

    julayne

    1. Julayne,
      Thanks on the Capote post. I love him, too. What an interesting video. I’ve never seen the vid or heard the song. The gradual addition of paint is so cool. Thanks for that.

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