“How far, how far we’ve come
together, tumbling like stars
in harness or alone.” ~ David Malouf, from “Stars”
Tuesday early evening. Sunny and warm, not humid.
Corey is still here. The ship’s radar is out of commission, and they are awaiting parts. Tentative day of departure is Thursday. I’m not complaining. Even though he’s working weird hours ( 4 a.m. to 10 a.m., back at 4 p.m. to 8 p.m., which is a little better than the 11:45 p.m. to 10 a.m. he worked for two days), it’s nice just to be able to sleep next to him. I’ve missed that, as have the puppies.
The past three or four days have been pretty bad for me physically. I think that I’m having a bout with my fibromyalgia as all of my joints hurt, and I am extremely fatigued. Yesterday and today I have gotten quite dizzy if I stay on my feet for too long. I have felt this coming on since mid last week, but was really hoping to avoid any down time while Corey is home.
Alexis’s shower at her friend’s house was Sunday, and it was really lovely, but I was completely exhausted afterwards. I told her that she really has a nice extended family and group of friends. Her father and his girlfriend went in with the evil stepgrandmother and bought her crib, mattress, and changing table. I was genuinely surprised by the extravagance. I suppose his girlfriend is a good influence on him. Must say that I’m disappointed, though, as I didn’t think that anyone would buy it, which would allow Corey and me to give it to them.
Oh well. She needs plenty of other things. I’m planning my shower for June 10. I need to print and mail the invitations, but I need ink cartridges. Always something.
“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.” ~ Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness
As I’m typing this, I’m on hold with the IRS. It’s been 16 minutes so far of really bad hold music, same four or five chords over and over, with a little bongo drum thrown in for rhythm, I suppose. Can I just tell you how utterly disheartening it is to (a) call the IRS in the first place, and then (b) have to clarify something that I’m 99 percent certain I did not do wrong.
Bureaucracy—it’s what runs this country, and it is the bane of my existence. After my call to the IRS, I still need to call Sentara to set up payment arrangements for my ER visit back in the winter because, oh, there’s that pesky thing called a deductible, plus 20 percent of major medical, bringing me to a grand total of almost $1400 for five hours in the emergency room, during which time they did an x-ray and listened to my chest and did little else.
But we don’t need nationalized healthcare. Oh no. That would be socialism. Egads. How abhorrent.
Actually, these aren’t the rantings of someone who is taking a political stand, just the comments of a tired consumer. I get it coming and going, my health insurance payments each month, the outrageous deductibles, the endless paperwork and telephone calls . . . I hate telephone calls to nameless customer service representatives who, almost to a person, hate their jobs and pass on that dissatisfaction with their treatment of the callers.
(Update: The first woman with whom I spoke at the IRS was a peach. I take back everything I said . . . of course, I’m on hold again . . .)
“I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.” ~ Sandra Cisneros, The House On Mango Street
Yesterday I spent most of the day in bed, which gets to me as I’m thinking about the things that aren’t getting done—the laundry, the trip to the grocery store, the dishes. And Tillie is not liking my down time either as it means that I am not taking her out for our usual game of stick.
Speaking of dogs, and I was, Alexis and Mike got a . . . wait for it . . . puppy. That’s right, two months before the baby is due they got a puppy. Madness, I tell you, utter madness. Her name is Roxi, and she’s a Chihuahua and Jack Russell mix, which means that she’s a tiny yip yip dog and absolutely adorable. Apparently someone in Mike’s family had a litter of puppies the last time they were visiting in Mississippi, and the two of them expressed an interest. Someone took them seriously, and when the family (Mike’s) came into town for the joint wedding reception and shower, they brought the puppy.
We are withholding this little tidbit from my mother as she will quite likely go ballistic over the news. You got a puppy and you don’t have a house! You got a puppy and you’re having a baby! Ya da ya da ya da ad infinitum . . .
It hurts my ears just thinking about the things she would say.
“All the words I collect are artifacts of sentiments that do not exist and could not even be conceived of again—ideas that once desperately needed to be expressed disappear, leaving husks of language that I save, I care for.” ~ Alice Bolin, from “I Sometimes Really Feel That Way”
Last night I had one of those dreams that, while I was dreaming it, I thought that it would make a good story. I made a point of trying to remember the dream so that I could turn it into a story. Of course, when I thought about the dream, it made no sense, and would certainly not translate well into a story. Why does my brain do that: assemble stories in my dreams, convince my subconscious that, “Hey, this is great. You must remember it”? But then when my conscious mind remembers, it is never what I had thought it was.
I do love the way that my mind creates while I sleep, but I just wish that the dream words, the dream scenarios actually were translatable. Does that make sense? I do end up feeling as if I’m holding empty husks after having one of these episodes: Hooray, creative mind at work. No wait, sleeping mind at work. Things such as logic, linear thought, character development are nonexistent. Wake up with nothing……….
(Another update: Second person with whom I spoke at IRS was even nicer than first. I take back all of the customer service insults.)
“The boon of language is not tenderness. All that it holds, it holds with exactitude and without pity, even a term of endearment; the word is impartial: the usage is all. The boon of language is that potentially it is complete, it has the potentiality of holding with words the totality of human experience — everything that has occurred and everything that may occur. It even allows space for the unspeakable.” ~ John Berger, from And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief as Photos
So today’s post, albeit rambling and totally without substance, was initially supposed to deal with language and words. I don’t know where my focus went. Perhaps the bongos drummed it from my brain. I do know that it’s been ages and ages since I spent hours wandering around a bookstore. Hence, the images.
I keep thinking about that Marcus Zusak quote: “I have hated words and I have loved them,” which pretty much sums up my life. Words are everything to me, but at times, they are painful. They elude me, they tease me, they wound me. I use words to inform, to woo, and to wound, if I am to be completely honest.
Corey and I have exchanged our journals for the new trip. My journal is filled with banal words about my day, about the kids, about the dogs. But I hope that he sees beneath the banality of my words, sees to the heart of my meaning, to the heart of intent. I hope that when he reads my words, that he knows how much of myself is within them. That as I write about something inane and mundane, I am telling him how much I care. And that as I write about seeming nothingness, I am weighting each word with the expanse of the four chambers of my heart.
More later. Peace.
Music by Sparklehorse, “Eyepennies”
Drinking Like a Fish
Though blue at a distance,
the surface is clear
as gin with a tension
that can bob you like
an ice cube. What
you really want, though,
is to float below
in chartreuse light,
to glide through tonic bubbles
above the swaying kelp,
borne along on currents, while
your heavy body, stranded
on land, still stumbles
and gasps. This
is your true element,
ignore the pinstripe
of the inedible.
Deeper and deeper
you go, to the bottom,
fin silt that swirls
like bourbon in branch water
to darken the gloom
where things with gelatin
wings glow blue
as a gas flame.
And this is where
you want to live
forever—to grow so
transparent, so fragile,
even the weight of the sea
cannot crush you.
~ William Greenway
4 thoughts on ““I never knew what was meant by choice of words. It was one word or none.” ~ Robert Frost”
Sorry you feel bad again. It’s awful to hurt and not be able to do anything about it. I spent the last 4 days with my Mom – she had a toe amputated. Let an infection go waaayyyy to long. She’s doing good but I see her aging -fast. Leyna’s ex is dead – yeppers – the guy who robbed the Tropical Smoothie at the beach, March 17 and the police shot – well that was him. None of us feel any remorse. I know it’s not very Christian but he brought it on himself. Anybody who says drugs are harmless needs to call me.
Ah yes! Adult children and dogs…………….Leyna and Josh did the same thing. Dog was home alone all day…. pooped everywhere, chewed up mini blinds and anything else he could get his teeth into. Finally, they found a good home for him. The landlord doesn’t allow pets and they had a helluva time hiding him when he came around. Not the best decision they’ve ever made.
Not much else going on……….same ol’ same ol’
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I understand what you’re saying about the aging thing. It’s hard to watch.
Unbelievable about Leyna’s ex. And this is the guy she actually had to go to court and fight? Our system is so screwed up. As for the dog, we’ll see how that goes. Since Alexis is home with it, I think that she’ll be able to spend the time with it to train it, that is until the baby gets here . . .
Good to hear from you. Take care of yourself.
I dreamt of a husband, accompanying him and his sister and his (then) current wife, from hospital to hospital in search of a Doctor or hospital or program that would help him, that could save him, but although we ran into a therapist who could point to WHY he slid into that downward spiral, it ended up the same in the dream as in real life. The anniversary of his death is coming up in a month, so, I guess that’s why this dream came forward…
Maybe some day I’ll manage a poem about him…
Hope you start feeling better… Go eat some ginger!!! I’m sending good thoughts your way…
I’m so sorry. Anniversaries are always hard, and the dreams that go with them are sometimes harder.
Feeling pretty crappy at the moment. Waiting for the dryer to finish so that I can get some sleep. Corey needs his work pants at 4 a.m., and our dryer does not have a functioning cut-off switch, so if I go to sleep now, the dryer will run until someone wakes up to shut it off . . . bleh.