“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.” ~ Greta Garbo

Moon Rise over Cultus Mountain, Skagit County, WA
by Scott Terrell (AP)

                   

“Will I ever write properly, with passion & exactness,
of the damned strange demeanours of my flagrant heart?” ~ John Berryman, from “Monkhood”

Saturday, late afternoon. Sunny, humid, mid 80’s.

It’s been a rough week. I started a regular post last Saturday and wiped it. Started another one on Sunday. Wiped that too.

Perigree Moon behind Angels of St. Isaaks Cathedral, St. Petersburg, Russia
by Dmitry Lovetsky (AP)

Did manage to go to some great poetry readings, though. This year, I finally convinced Brett to attend a few of the events at ODU’s annual Literary Festival. In its 35th year, it’s one of the longest-running literary festivals in the country. He was only disappointed by one presenter and loved the other three. I went to two, wanted to make it to one on Thursday, but just couldn’t. As a result, though, I have discovered two new poets, both of whom I will be writing more about at another time.

I’ve been mulling over a myriad of things, beginning to think that I’ve reached conclusions, solutions, only to end up more confused and scattered. These are the things occupying my thoughts lately:

  • Will Alexis ever learn how to accept her role as a mother?
  • Will Brett go to New Zealand, and if so, will her ever come back? Will such a journey help him to find that which he seeks?
  • Will we all make it through the next few months?
  • Will I leave the house in the morning only to return to it hours later to find Shakes dead?
  • Will Tillie continue to have unexplained seizures?
  • Will I ever come out of this funk?
  • Will I ever have just one day in which I am not torn up by guilt, fear, and regret?

This, and so much more . . . A person could go well and truly mad from too much pondering.

“Sometimes
melancholy leaves me breathless.” ~ Mary Oliver, from “Sometimes”

My melancholy always deepens in the fall, which is conflicting at best as autumn is my favorite season, but it is also the season of my deep regret and my keenest losses. So many decisions were made in autumn that changed my life forever. You know Frost’s two roads? Well, is it possible to have stood at the fork in the road a hundred times? A thousand? Sometimes, it seems so.

So what characterizes my melancholy? I mean, if I had to describe it, which I have done in the past, just how would I do that? I wonder . . .

Perigree Moon beside San Francisco’s Coit Tower
by Frederic Lawson (AP)

Like Søren Kierkegaard, my melancholy is almost like a living part of me: “I have one more intimate confidant-my melancholy. In the midst of my joy, in the midst of my work, she waves to me, calls me to one side, even though physically I stay put. My melancholy is the most faithful mistress I have known, what wonder, then, that I love her in return.”

My melancholy is like . . .

  • The deepest blues in Van Gogh’s “Starry Night”
  • A slow Alison Krauss song, full of longing
  • The smell that fills your nostrils when you turn over a pile of wet leaves—earthy and rich
  • The dregs of a cup of Darjeeling
  • The way it feels when the credits roll at the end of The English Patient
  • The haunting sound of the fiddle in the soundtrack to Legends of the Fall
  • The way sand feels beneath your feet as it is borne back to the sea by the tide
  • The mother in the Dorothea Lange photograph
  • The echo of a foghorn across the bay in the still of the night
  • The sliver of the waning moon in the nigh sky

“and in the end
when the shadow from the ground
enters the body and remains,
in the end, you might say,
This is myself
still unknown, still a mystery.” ~ Linda Hogan, from “Inside

You might say that none of those things is particularly sad, and you would be right. My melancholy isn’t sadness. It isn’t depression. It isn’t the bleak dullness of a February morning without snow. Rather, it is an ache, a longing, a yearning, but for what exactly, I still cannot say.

Moon Rises above an Egret Nesting, Wichita, Kansas
by Bo Rader (AP)

The things on my list individually can be beautiful and haunting. Together, they can be overwhelming. Perhaps that’s why I listed them as opposed to piling them all together in a paragraph. Separated by that forced line break, there can be a pause, a moment in which to collect oneself before venturing on.

Am I blathering? Perhaps. Sorry.

At least I’m supposedly in good company. Famous people known for their melancholy? Van Gogh, Abraham Lincoln, John Keats, Ernest Hemingway, Søren Kierkegaard. Notice that list is all male? I think that when famous women were (are?) melancholic, they were categorized as depressed, which is actually not the same thing. Depression can be completely debilitating; whereas melancholy is more reflective. The melancholic can be depressed, but the depressed individual is not necessarily melancholic.

I perused a few interwebs articles on melancholy (academic as opposed to cultural), and most assign a few clear characteristics to the melancholic. On the plus side, they are talented, creative, idealistic, and loyal. They like lists (no kidding) and charts, and they pay attention to detail. On the other side, though, they can be perfectionists; they procrastinate, often spending more time planning than doing. They tend to remember the negatives and have a low self-image, and they have a deep need for approval.

Really? No, really? Hmm . . .

“I have in me like a haze
Which holds and which is nothing
A nostalgia for nothing at all,
The desire for something vague.” ~ Fernando Pessoa, from “[I have in me like a haze]” (trans. Richard Zenith)

Did you know that melancholy literally means black bile (Greek, melas (black) + khole (bile) = melancholia)? This definition comes from the ancient characterizations of personalities according to the four humours (The four humors of Hippocratic medicine are black bile (Gk. melan chole), yellow bile (Gk. chole), phlegm (Gk. phlegma), and blood (Gk. haima), and each corresponds to one of the traditional four temperaments. A humor is also referred to as a cambium(from Wikipedia and lots of other sources)). Just a bit of history.

Full Moon behind a Mosque in Amman
by Ali Jarekj (Reuters)

Of course, we don’t go around any more telling people they have too much black bile or too much blood in their constitution, but maybe we should. I mean, the corresponding personality traits (sanguine, choleric, phlegmatic, and melancholic) are pretty much spot on. The sanguine individual is an impulsive dreamer, the choleric an aggressive leader, the phlegmatic quiet and relaxed, and the melancholic introverted and creative.

All I know is that my black bile makes me not people-oriented and less outgoing. It also makes me withdrawn and vengeful. And I’m still fairly certain that I would have been persecuted as a witch.

“I am light honed
To a still point in the incandescent
Onrush, a fine ash in the beast’s sudden
Dessication when the sun explodes.” ~ Wole Soyinka, from “Around Us, Dawning”

So, this is where I am now: My melancholy defines me in so many ways:

  • I have so many things that I want to do, but I never seem to do them, just plan them.
  • I spend an inordinate number of hours contemplating things, the whys and wherefores.

    Moon Shines behind the Minaret of Mohamed Ali Mosque in Cairo
    by Asmaa Waguih (Reuters)

  • Essentially, I don’t like people. I love humanity and its wonderful diversity, but most people irritate me.
  • But those I like, I like with a fervor. Those I love, I love with all of my being.
  • One of the articles said that melancholics can be bad parents because they have such high expectations, and I do, have high expectations, that is. But not for my children to have fame or fortune, rather, that they have happiness and contentment, two things that have eluded me most of my years
  • I don’t like to be wrong, and it took me years, nay, decades, to learn how to admit when I was wrong, and I am ashamed to say that it took me far too long to learn how to apologize and truly mean it.
  • Because I live so much inside myself, I am not self-deluded, but I am self-critical and self-deprecating.
  • I live in a state of guilt. I’m not sure if this is necessarily my melancholic humor, or just my life.

As one particular site pointed out, “One feature that makes melancholy an aesthetic emotion—like that of sublimity—is its dual nature. There are negative and positive aspects in it which alternate, creating contrasts and rhythms of pleasure.” I suppose this duality is what compels me to try to define that which truly cannot be defined.

However, the site that I liked the best had a nice list of positives and negatives about the four kinds of people, and one thing that it listed really kind of made me take notice: the melancholic can be “moved to tears with compassion.” I never knew that was a trait of melancholy. I always thought that because I cried at commercials, wept at others’ misfortune, ached at injustice, that it was just my soft heart betraying me once again.

Oh, and one more: The melancholic seeks the ideal mate. Fortunately for me, I believe that I have found him.

More later. Peace.

In the mood for the moon, the big, beautiful moon.

Music by Grizzly Bear, “Deep Blue Sea” (From Dark Was the Night CD*)

*Dark Was the Night is the twentieth compilation release benefiting the Red Hot Organization, an international charity dedicated to raising funds and awareness for HIV and AIDS. Featuring exclusive recordings by a number of independent artists and production by Aaron and Bryce Dessner of The National, the compilation was released on 16 February 2009 (UK) and 17 February (US) as a double CD, three vinyl LPs, or as a digital download.[6] John Carlin, the founder of the Red Hot Organization, was the executive producer for the album. The title is derived from the Blind Willie Johnson song “Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground”, which is covered on this collection by the Kronos Quartet (from Wikipedia entry on CD).

                     

Wavelength

They were sitting on the thin mattress
He’d once rolled & carried up the four floors
To his room only to find it covered nearly all
Of the bare wood
Leaving just a small path alongside the wall
& between them was the sack
Of oranges & pears she’d brought its neck
Turned back to expose the colors of the fruit
& as she opened a bottle of wine
He reached over to a tall stack of books
& pulled out The Tao & with a silly flourish
Handed it across the bed to her   she looked up
& simply poured the two squat water glasses
Half-full with wine & then she
Took the book   reading silently   not aloud
As he’d assumed & suddenly he felt clearly
She knew the way
Two people must come upon such an understanding
Together of course but separately

As the moon & the wave remain individually one

~ David St. John

 

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4 thoughts on ““There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.” ~ Greta Garbo

  1. Good post. I share many of the same feelings. I feel compelled to comment on Alexis. I wondered ( and still do) the same thing about Leyna. When Emily as born I was right there on the front line, in the trenches,holding down the fort. Everyone-my parents, my aunt, Joe,family friends told me I was doing too much- let her stand on her own. So, I wrestled with it and finally decided that it was EMILY who needed me, NOT LEYNA. There were times I was completely exhausted from being up with her and having her a good portion of the time. Leyna seemed puzzled and annoyed by motherhood- as if Emily was an intrusion on her life. The outcome? Emily and I have a bond that cannot be broken. Leyna has by her actions alienated Emily and will NEVER get her back. She’s lost her ,I fear forever. Leyna had surgery recently and Emily told me ” I don’t think I’d be sad if mommy died-I’m not sure”. Sad isn’t it? Sometimes Leyna can be No 1 Mom , other times I want to slap the hell out of her. She spends too much time yelling at the kids and not enough time loving them. Noah is a mommy’s boy but he’s a much different child. Give him a paper bag and he’s happy! He’s learned to tune them out when they yell. Emily is much more sensitive.
    My point? I guess it would be – just be there for Olivia. Try as best you can to get Alexis to come around. I do NOT believe that motherhood is “instinctive” or that everyone takes to it. Joe’s mother was prime example of that.

    Hang in there, know that I’m thinking about you and as always, you’re in my prayers,

    Love,

    Me

    • Wow. That’s sad, really sad.

      Lex is doing better, and I don’t mean to imply that shes not trying, because I know that she is. I guess the wake-up call for me has been in realizing firsthand that mothering is definitely instinctive. Some people are naturals, and others are not. Some have to learn, and some don’t care to learn. Lex is learning, and I shouldn’t compare her to myself as we are two different people.I know that she loves Olivia. Of that I have no doubts. I just need to give her more time to fine-tune her skills. I believe that she’ll learn in her own time, and in the meantime, I’ll help as I can.

  2. Lovely photos of the moon. Lots of “me” in your post.

    Thank you for sharing all these poems and music, photos, and quotes, and the deep things from your heart…

    I am looking forward to the cool front… I am looking forward to walking and not getting sweaty. The leaves are falling in streams, yet it’s been so warm it’s like two seasons superimposed. I’m lucky not to be bombarded by acorns. Or squirrels (sometimes they come pretty close).

    I haven’t seen the stray cat since the stray dog was here. D-i-l and her Mom carted off the dog to some dog lovers to keep until they find her a home. I need to think up something I can do for all of them…

    I have been putting off my homework. I’ve been reading “Turn right at Machu Picchu” by Mark Adams, a pretty good book… between trips out to get things that someone wants or needs. Went to this store about 20 miles out for a bottle of peach hot sauce, which of course, they didn’t have. Saw a car show, though…

    Glad to be home… drinking water, getting the sheets & towels out of the drier, listening to happy kids and hungry cats…

    I shall toast you with a cup of darjeeling tomorrow…

    • Sounds like you have been busy. Never heard of peach hot sauce, sounds yummy.

      Glad the stray dog is taken care of for now.

      It’s pouring here now, and the temps are in the high 50’s, such a change from yesterday. So glad it’s cooler. Tired of sweating.

      How do you discover all of these books? Recommendations from others? Your book club? Curious.

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