“I never change, I simply become more myself.” ~ Joyce Carol Oates, from Solstice
Wednesday late afternoon. Cloudy and cold, 40’s.
I spent a lot of time today editing photos that Corey downloaded from the camera, starting with last Christmas. Yes, I am remiss. I changed my header image and my gravatar. What do you think?
My thoughts are meandering, so I thought that I’d create an appropriate post. Here are rambling thoughts, just because I can:
- I really like eggnog with bourbon. It’s such an appropriately winter drink. Just saying.
- No one sends Christmas cards any more. To date, we have received a whopping two. That won’t stop me from sending them, though.
- Corey thinks I’m silly for sending out cards after Christmas, but I contend that my cards bear good wishes for the coming year, which makes them pretty timeless. Anyway, I hope to get them out in the next few days.
- I need to make Olivia’s Christmas stocking, but so far I am uninspired. Nothing is really striking me, so I think that I just need to go to the fabric store and meander.
- I’m not really feeling this whole Christmas season yet, and it’s almost the middle of the month. Perhaps my vacation threw off my whole timing?
- When Corey and I were on the bus that took us from the airport to the pier, we passed this expansive wetland, and this is what I thought: That would be a great place to hide a body. Does this make me stranger than I already think that I am?
“You, clamped in your Depths,
climb out of yourself
for ever.” ~ Paul Celan, from “Illegibility”
Things that wish were different:
- I wish that I was as secure about my physical being as Corey is about his. He gladly poses for pictures and then actually allows people to see those pictures. I reluctantly pose for pictures, and then—if and only if I Photoshop them into an acceptable state—chances are great that no one will ever see them.
- I wish that I could live more in the present and future instead of so much in the past, but I realize that at this point in my life, I am unlikely to change.
- I wish that my children did not inherit my insecurities and inanities. Alexis is way too OCD; Eamonn overcompensates because he is insecure; and Brett views the world through a cynical lens. All me.
- I wish that I were better at maintaining friendships, but I realize that having been burned badly in my last significant friendship that I am very, very gun-shy.
- I wish that I could go back and change my decision not to pursue my doctorate decades ago.
- I wish that I knew what made my mother such a hard person. I mean, what happened to her? There had to be something. When I told her that my ex and Ann were flying to Germany for Patrick’s memorial service, she said, “Why?” As in, she really couldn’t fathom what the point was. I just don’t understand.
“Every man casts a shadow; not his body only, but his imperfectly mingled spirit. This is his grief. Let him turn which way he will, it falls opposite to the sun; short at noon, long at eve. Did you never see it?” ~ Henry David Thoreau
Things I genuinely don’t like about myself:
- I don’t really think that I’m a good soul, you know, the kind of person who people will say, “She was a good person.”
- I acknowledge that I’m an intellectual snob, and it’s not an exactly endearing quality, but at least I am aware that it’s true.
- I have to force myself to make small-talk. Idle conversation is not my forte, but engross me in a political discussion or a discussion on the disparities in society, and I can talk forever.
- I have one of those mouths that turns down at the corners. I realized this when I was about 14, and it has bothered me ever since. I mean, how can you go about with a cheerful disposition if your mouth cannot even physically reflect this?
- When did I get thighs? I’ve never had thighs, but, well, there they are. Getting older is hard enough without gaining bodily sections that you never had. I used to like my legs, really like them as in not be ashamed to show them, but now? Geez.
“That’s why I speak
In a voice so soft it sounds like writing
Night writing. A structure of feeling
Broken by hand.” ~ Ben Lerner, from “Mean Free Path”
Things that creep into my thoughts in the middle of the night:
- I am not middle aged. I am older than middle aged, unless I’m going to live much longer than anyone in my family. This is a brutal reality.
- It’s strange to realize that more of your life is past you than before you.
- In the last 15 months, I have lost three people and one canine friend. And people wonder why I am so fixated on loss.
- At this stage of my life, I am probably going to be dealing with the loss of more people from my life, and I wish with all of my heart that this were not so.
- Maybe I really am too old to embark upon a whole new chapter. How does one know this? Who decides what is too old?
- Ernest Hemingway wrote when he was just a child that he was going to be a writer and go on adventures. When I was just a child, I said that I was going to be a poet. He did exactly what he said he was going to do. Why didn’t I?
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.” ~ Franz Kafka
- The name of the book that I was going to write years ago was White Moon on Black Water: Writings on Loss and Resolution. I still think it’s a good title.
- I really wish that I could be working in the publishing industry in some capacity.
- I really wish that I were working.
- It’s hard for me to answer the question posed by strangers, “So, what do you do?” Do? Nothing?
- I am of that generation that equates self-worth with careers. That old Puritan work ethic: Hard work brings success. Interestingly, though, I have never equated money with success, as in the more I made, the more successful I was. My goal was always that I like what I was doing, whatever it was.
- Do you know that well before the scrapbooking fad I was making books for people, and these books were filled with pictures and poems and quotes that I thought suited the individual. My therapist asked me if this wouldn’t be a good business idea, and I told her that I didn’t really think so. That right there shows you how my mind does not work in a capitalist fashion. I could only see the books as creative outlets, not as a money-making venture. This is why I will never be rich.
(All images by Caspar David Friedrich, 19th century German Romantic painter)
Music by Efterklang (a recent discovery), “Natural Tune”
You’ve left a hole
the size of the sky
in the chair across the table
in the chasm of the closet
your shoes hold the shape
of every step we took
through the seven rooms
of a world with no language
but that of moving
on macadam and the miles
of velvet earth before rainfall
between rows of corn
and up the curving drive
until they landed beside
the bed a black hole
you disappeared through
as I look for a sign
of you slivered with stars
your body without borders
nowhere and everywhere
in the wind moving through trees
on its way down the hall
to the back of my neck
in the chill you still send through me
and so I slip into the deep
abyss of your shoes
standing where you were last
pointing in two directions
trusting the way forward
is also the way back
~ Wyatt Townley
- “I feel all shadows of the universe multiplied deep inside my skin.” ~ Virginia Woolf (poietes.wordpress.com)
- “You were my death / you all I could hold / when all fell away from me.” Paul Celan (unwantedadvice.wordpress.com)