“And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.” ~ J. D. Salinger

All Together by kdee64 FCC

All Together by kdee64 (FCC)

                   

“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.” ~ Frank Herbert, from Dune

Tuesday afternoon. Rainy and mild, 59 degrees.

And so we do the Tidewater temperature bounce: 34 degrees, 59 degrees, 31 degrees, 67 degrees. Is it any wonder we are a population of incubating sinus problems?

Pine_Grosbeak_2 via onejackdawbirding blogspot

Pine Grosbeak
via onejackdawbirding.blogspot (cc)

Just above my left temple is a pain akin to having been bruised by a hammer. I can’t tell if it’s leftover migraine or incipient sinus headache, which makes figuring out which med to take more trouble than it’s worth. I sat on the edge of the bed with my hot coffee cup pressed against my head, trying to figure this out, and finally took nothing more than ibuprofen because I was giving myself more of a headache over trying to figure out the headache than the possible medicine could have relieved.

Still with me?

Last night I dreamed that my high school friend Sarah was a soothsayer, and she had read in the cards that within 24 hours everyone who was playing video games would die. We were trying to figure out how to let everyone know without causing widespread panic. Can you just imagine? An impossible task. One thing though—she had the most amazing long grey hair, the white-grey, not the steel grey, and I was so envious.

“All we can do on this earth is step into the future
with a sense of the many people behind us,
the living and the dead, as if we carried our bodies
like amphorae filled with sunbeams into each new day” ~ Morton Marcus, from “All We Can Do”

Yesterday I went to Lex’s apartment after dropping off Brett on campus, stayed for a bit and then brought Olivia home with me. We hadn’t seen her in a week, and I was going through bebe withdrawal. Eamonn had called in sick to work, so Olivia got to see her uncle and her Granddaddy, two of her favorite people. She is babbling a lot, saying ma ma, but it doesn’t seem to be associated with anything, just babbling, which is natural.

chickadee-on-snow-covered-branch northrup dot org

Chickadee on Snow-Covered Branch
via northrup.org

I remember when Caitlin was in the hospital, she had begun to say something that sounded like ma, and she was the same age that Olivia is now. Funny the things you remember out of nowhere.

Anyway, we had fun eating strained squash and fruit, and she is doing all kind of gesture imitations, which is funny to watch. But while we’re watching Olivia, Tillie is watching us, especially Corey, as if to say, “Hey! What about me?” Such a funny dog.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if poetry—poetry in the broadest sense, in the sense of a world filled with metaphor, rhyme, and recurring patterns, shapes, and designs—is how the world works. The world isn’t logical; it’s a song.” ~ David Byrne

By the way, I’ve been meaning to say greetings and thanks to my newest followers. Recently, I topped 100 followers without even realizing it. Always glad to hear from new people, and remember, if you would prefer to comment via e-mail, that’s fine too.

Let’s see . . . what else?

Robin in Winter via onejackdawbirding dot blogspot cc

Robin in Winter
via onejackdawbirding.blogspot (cc)

I haven’t started on my new meds yet mostly because one of them was on back-order at my pharmacy, and I want to start the new regimen with everything. That makes the most sense because I want to be able to tell if they are working collectively and to see if there are any unwanted side effects I may not be able to tolerate. Anyway, I found the one medicine at a CVS near the house and had the script transferred there, so I’ll probably start everything tomorrow; although I’d prefer to start on a Sunday as one of he meds is a patch that needs to be changed every seven days, and I know myself—I forget too easily, so I need a memorable day of the week, you know, like Sunday.

My, I am running on today, aren’t I?

One of my new meds is a sumatriptan shot that I can give myself when my migraines are severe. I had tried this medicine years ago, and it made me very nauseous; however, that being said, the new doctor gave me a shot while I was in his office (because I had a headache, of course), and told me to take a phenergan with the shot for the nausea. The shot worked on the headache, but left me feeling a bit dizzy/woozy. I guess I’ll have to wait to see if this is an avenue in which the nausea is worth the pain relief.

“I am looking into your dark centers
where I see myself reflected,
standing close to the edge,
as though I might
at any moment
take in my breath and dive down.” ~ Deborah Abbott, from “All Day at Work”

I watched the last episode in season 3 of “Downton Abbey” last night, and boy was it heartbreaking. I really hate it when I have made an investment in a show, and it ends up breaking my heart. Corey is going to take seasons 1 and 2 with him when he leaves. I have the boxed sets. He likes period pieces as much as I do. In fact, one of the first movies that we watched together was Sense and Sensibility, the one with Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman. Such a beautiful version.

Don’t really know what the above paragraph has to do with anything, but I was thinking about it, so there it is.

Bohemian Waxwing bobvt

Bohemian Waxwing by bobvt (FCC)

Other than the usual weird dreams last night, I also wrote a poem. However, I did not wake up after composing this poem, so I did not record it. Consequently, I remember nothing of it other than it was there. I know that it was short with short lines, a la Charles Bukowski, but I don’t remember anything else, which is so very frustrating. I know that I liked it, and I think that it had something to do with gravity, which may have come from thinking about Copernicus’s birthday today (somehow that connects in my brain).

I hate when my mind does this to me.

“Without even intending it, there is that little shiver of a moment in time preserved in the crystal cabinet of the mind. A little shiver of eternal space. That’s what I was looking for.” ~ Alan Ginsberg

I’m all alone in the house now, listening to The Secret Sisters. Corey has gone to do errands; Eamonn is at a concert, and Brett as at school. Just me and the dogs, and the dogs are barking at everything and nothing, and Alfie’s bark is the exact pitch that makes my eyes hurt when I have a headache, so all in all, it’s simply fantastic. The only thing missing is the sound of a chain saw or leaf blower.

Eurasian Jay by n-c cc

Eurasian Jay by n-c (CC)

Actually, just a few minutes ago while I was sitting here daydreaming, I was listening to the wind whip the wind chimes into a frenetic ballad, and I noticed the sound of a jumbo jet passing overhead. When you live in an area filled with the sounds of fighter jets and jumbo jets, it is very easy not to hear them any more. Anyway, so paying attention to these random sounds I remembered a scene in “The Walking Dead” in which one of the characters says that she would love to hear the sound of an airplane passing overhead because in this post-apocalyptic world populated by zombies and survivors it’s so quiet.

And this leads me to ponder: Would I really like to live in an old farmhouse on a piece of land somewhere, far from everyone else. I think that I would, but then would I miss the sounds? I wouldn’t miss the loud trucks and the sirens, but I would miss the sound of the train in the middle of the night, and the sounds of a fog horn on the bay.

I think that I know what I want, and I think that what I want is different from this, but actually, I don’t really know. Do I? Do any of us?

More later. Peace.

Music by The Secret Sisters, “Tomorrow Will be Kinder”

                   

The Lucky Ones

stuck in the rain on the freeway, 6:15 p.m.,
these are the lucky ones, these are the
dutifully employed, most with their radios on as loud
as possible as they try not to think or remember.

this is our new civilization: as men
once lived in trees and caves now they live
in their automobiles and on freeways as

the local news is heard again and again while
we shift from first gear to second and back to first.

there’s a poor fellow stalled in the fast lane ahead, hood
up, he’s standing against the freeway fence
a newspaper over his head in the rain.

the other cars force their way around his car, pull out into
the next lane in front of cars determined to shut them off.

in the lane to my right a driver is being followed by a
police car with blinking red and blue lights – he surely
can’t be speeding as

suddenly the rain comes down in a giant wash and all the
cars stop and

even with the windows up I can smell somebody’s clutch
burning.

I just hope it’s not mine as

the wall of water diminishes and we go back into first
gear; we are all still
a long way from home as I memorize
the silhouette of the car in front of me and the shape of the

driver’s head or
what
I can see of it above the headrest while
his bumper sticker asks me
HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR KID TODAY?

suddenly I have an urge to scream
as another wall of water comes down and the
man on the radio announces that there will be a 70 percent
chance of showers tomorrow night

~ Charles Bukowski

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3 thoughts on ““And I can’t be running back and forth forever between grief and high delight.” ~ J. D. Salinger

  1. Pingback: These are a few of my favorite things: #21 (About my very tortured friend Peter by Charles Bukowski) « Ritu’s Weblog

  2. What beautiful birds!

    I hope that the drugs work together well, leaving you a method for being headache free!

    I don’t mind the sound of the train; I rather like it. I don’t like the sound of the coyotes that sometimes howl before certain trains, trains with a certain pitch. It makes the hair on my neck stand on end. I have lived in the country before, and never have I lived somewhere that I heard coyotes on a regular basis – and here we are on the edge of the city in a fairly urban county.

    Fog horns are not an option here, of course, so I can’t speak on that. The jets are prevalent here, too, of course, and I imagine there is some air traffic just about everywhere. But, I don’t think I would miss hearing that air traffic, or sirens, or the highway that is one mile north or the highway that is two miles west. I don’t hear much of the highway that is maybe three or four miles south. The old two lane highway produces a fair amount of noise: big trucks, noisy choppers going to and from the repair shop. The big factory that is less than a mile away is fairly quiet except for the back-up signal from trucks at the loading dock, occasional alarms, and fire trucks on occasion when something has to be checked out. I can’t see how one of my aunts stands being so close to that factory. Her house was there long before that factory – probably built around the turn of the century.

    One of my favorite memories is of being on a farm in Boston/Sperryville/Culpeper, VA area in about 1973 or 1974. It was so quiet… You could hear an occasional car, an occasional bird of prey screaming, maybe a dog or a neighbor… It was absolutely beautiful… I’ve always wanted to replicate that…

    I am reading Daughter of Fortune by Isabel Allende. I love Isabel Allende… How wonderful it is to escape life and go to Chile in another time and place… and not think about English, or careers, or bills, or how we’re all going to manage as prices go up, up, up….

    Ah well, time for another cup of tea and my book… I hope you have a wonderful evening. Enjoy the rainy weather coming…

    • I can honestly say that I don’t think that I’ve ever heard a coyote, or if I did, I wasn’t aware of what it was. Would probably make my neck hairs stand up too.

      Fortunately, we don’t live near the interstates, but we are near a main thoroughfare, which is where all the siren noise comes from.

      Allende is a glorious writer. She does amazing things.

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