“The lake, as usual,
Has taken its mood from the sky,
Its color also,
The blue that breaks hearts.” ~ Tom Hennen, from “June, with Loons”
Thursday afternoon, Halloween. Cloudy and warm, mid 70’s.
The fates have been reversed for about a week or so: I’ve been wanting to write, have had much to say, but have had no time to spare until just this moment. I’m hoping that I can finish this post before the neighborhood kids begin to roam, and the dogs begin to go crazy. We’ll just have to see.
Since I have so many different thoughts going in so many different directions, I thought I’d do a random thoughts post. Here goes:
- I learned a new word the other day: deliquescent, becoming liquid or having a tendency to become liquid. Doesn’t that just sound as if it should be in a poem?
- I continue to awaken each morning with a song in my head, and the song of the morning does not seem to have any relevance to anything that I can pinpoint. For example, the other morning it was The Courtship of Eddie’s father theme song.
- There is a running theme that occurs in my dreams, regardless of what the main theme is: I have forgotten to feed the dogs that stay in the backyard. I only remember them after several days. I find them in various states of illness—listless, dehydrated, close to dying.
- Last night I dreamt of my family in Great Bridge, all of my cousins; one of my cousins introduced me to his friend and said that I had gone off to sing. I was very confused because I didn’t remember having a singing career.
- I bought Halloween candy that I’m not particularly fond of hoping that it would keep me from delving into the bag; this has not worked completely.
- Does too much sugar affect your dreams?
“She will hang the night with stars so that I may walk abroad in the darkness without stumbling, and send the wind over my footprints so that none may track me to my hurt: she will cleanse me in great waters, and with bitter herbs make me whole.” ~ Oscar Wilde, from “De Profundis”
So here’s the latest news from around the home:
- Corey will be in port on Saturday. He’s getting off the ship before they travel to Ascension; we have to fit in the trip to New Orleans before all of the holidays roll around.
- I weigh four pounds less on my pain doctor’s scale. I like that scale.
- Olivia is going to be a lady bug for Halloween; I bought her some black and white Mary Janes with red bows, too cute.
- I wonder how many of you remember those hard leather shoes made by Stride-Rite for toddlers, how we were all forced to wear them and then in turn told to force our children to wear them . . . somewhere along the line, the doctors who decide said that tennis shoes were better for young feet.
- I read where Kate Middleton’s sister Pippa bought the young prince silver casts of his hands and feet for a christening gift, and media voices were calling the gift creepy. How is that any creepier than bronzing baby shoes like everyone in my mother’s generation did?
- My current fascination with all things make-up related continues. Don’t ask me why as I haven’t the faintest idea.
- Lately, I’m fixated on just the right make-up brushes.
“And if all that is meaningless, I want to be cured
Of a craving for something I cannot find
And of the shame of never finding it.” ~ T. S. Eliot, from The Cocktail Party
Funny, I thought that I had so much to say, but the last few hours have had so many interruptions that I cannot seem to find my train of thought.
- It’s far too muggy to be October.
- I just remembered that I had another dream about the real estate firm where I worked. In these dreams I’m always trying to please my boss, unsuccessfully.
- I don’t want to think about how many jobs I have failed at; it’s just too depressing.
- Neither Brett nor I went to any Literary Festival events this year.
- I finally watched the movie Sylvia in which Gwyneth Paltrow plays Sylvia Plath and Daniel Craig plays Ted Hughes. The movie wasn’t bad, but I think it soft-pedaled the depiction of Hughes.
- At the moment I’m feeling very displaced, as if I’m on the verge of something without really knowing what or why.
- The other day I realized that this year marks 25 years since Caitlin. It still feels so immediate, so close, yet not.
- I wonder if anyone else can understand anything I am trying to say.
“But mountain weariness and mountain hunger — how few know what these are!” ~ John of the Mountains: The Unpublished Journals of John Muir
She said, apropos of nothing . . .
- My mother ordered me some strange gadget from QVC. I told her that I didn’t have room for it, and I didn’t really need it. She insisted that I had told her I wanted it. This would be hard as I have no idea as to what it is. Patience. Patience.
- QVC preys on the shut-ins, the elderly, and the lonely.
- I probably won’t see the mountains again this year.
- Obviously, I’m not going to apply to the doctoral program at GW since I have made no further efforts in preparing.
- I am my own worst enemy.
- Now that Corey is coming home, we can finally finish the bathroom, all of the things we couldn’t do before he left, and all of the things I couldn’t do on my own—not a whole lot, actually. Still, unfinished is unfinished.
- I have the strangest feeling that I have forgotten to do something really important, but I have no idea as to what it might be.
“While the earth breaks the soft horizon
eastward, we study how to deserve
what has already been given us.” ~ William Stafford, from “Love in the Country”
On a more serious note . . .
- I think that my mother is deteriorating mentally faster. I have noticed more things in just the last few weeks.
- I really need to investigate what kind (if any) of support there is for seniors, as far as keeping house, running errands, that kind of thing.
- We are not a society that values the aged, not like the Asians do.
- I constantly berate myself for not having enough patience with my mother, yet when I’m around her, I just cannot seem to summon the patience I need.
- I feel like a horrible daughter.
- I am praying to the gods that be that I can teach myself more of how to live in the moment, something I have never quite mastered.
- Am I too old to learn such things?
- When I am with Olivia, I am forcing my mind to rest, not to think about this bill or that problem, but to just enjoy this time because I know all too well that it passes quickly.
- I would give anything to have another fall afternoon with all three of my children when they were still young.
I happened upon the most wonderful site: Lancaster Center for Classical Studies, which posted pictures of cloudy weather for today, just as I have here. I wonder if they do that every day . . .
More later. Peace.
Music by Rosi Golan and Johnny McDaid, “Give up the Ghost”
You will never be alone, you hear so deep
a sound when autumn comes. Yellow
pulls across the hills and thrums,
or in the silence after lightning before it says
its names — and then the clouds’ wide-mouthed
apologies. You were aimed from birth:
you will never be alone. Rain
will come, a gutter filled, an Amazon,
long aisles — you never heard so deep a sound,
moss on rock, and years. You turn your head —
that’s what the silence meant: you’re not alone.
The whole wide world pours down.
~ William Stafford
2 thoughts on ““A little light is filtering from the water flowers. | Their leaves do not wish us to hurry: | They are round and flat and full of dark advice.” ~ Sylvia Plath, from “Crossing the Water””
You aren’t a horrible anything…. Give yourself a break!
Taking care of older parents is a roller coaster. Sometimes you are running behind it. Sometimes you are running in front of it, and sometimes you ride…
Sometimes you want to turn time backwards; sometimes you are ready to speed it up and end the chaos, the suffering, the stress. I don’t know anyone who finds it easy to enjoy what can be enjoyed in the often black horror of illness/hospitals/disease/nursing homes. I also don’t know very many women who don’t struggle with feeling like a bad daughter much of the time. (If you were a good daughter, you’d have a magic wand.)
Hmmm. Not unlike running down the hill from the Black Sow…
Love your imagery–roller coaster, Black Sow . . .
Definitely feel as if I’ve been running a while.