Things you notice when you’re sick . . .

1. Swallowing grapes is not so easy.
2. Making a cup of tea takes a long time when you throw away the tea bag and keep the foil packet.
3. Knocking said cup of tea over immediately after sitting it down becomes a job for tomorrow.
4. The dogs decide they need to go outside one an hour, probably just being good care-givers and making sure you can still move.
5. You (I) can, but very, very slowly.
6. Chocolate at 2 in the morning doesn’t taste nearly as good as it usually does.
7. Mucinex liquid was invented by the same descendants of Marquis de Sade who invented the original Nyquil.
8. If you are able to swallow it, Mucinex feels warm all the way down your esophagus.
9. This is reassuring as I was pretty certain I had coughed up my esophagus on Friday night.
10. Cold and flu medications always stop working in the middle of the night.
11. Alka-Seltzer cold and flu medication needs to be dissolved in hot water and then chased by bourbon.
12. Just kidding . . . not really . . .
13. It would have been honey and bourbon and lemon instead of the medicine, but I only had the bourbon.
14. I switched from second to first person somewhere along the way.
15. Whatever.
16. The Christmas cards I started on so eagerly and full of self-satisfaction over a week ago laid on my dining room table until I unearthed them this afternoon.
17. I unearthed them this afternoon because I felt better and decided to clean.
18. I always do this.
19. It always hurts afterwards.
20. A lot.
21. It all began because I smelled something, and I wasn’t really sure if it was (pardon the total truth here) my dog’s bad gas, my feet, or the bedroom in general, having been a sick room for three days.
22. So I needed to change the sheets.
23. Which meant that I needed to do laundry.
24. Which took four trips from the hamper to the garage.
25. I do not have a large house.
26. It’s a ranch, and the only stairs are in the garage.
27. I still almost tripped on the stairs.
28. I remembered to wash the bath mat that I used to sop up the tea I spilled yesterday.
29. Or was it the day before?
30. So I finished the Christmas cards and put them out for the mail only to notice that the UPS guy had delivered the shipment of dog food.
31. It’s a heavy box, and I had used my daily quota of energy on useless things like cleaning and bathing.
32. So the dog food is still on the porch getting rained on.
33. I could so not care about the dog food.
34. I did use my time in bed wisely: I started watching season one of “Orphan Black” on Amazon Prime (connected to my television, woo hoo) on Saturday.
35. I think it was Saturday.
36. I finished Sunday morning, and then I debated about whether or not to purchase season two on Prime.
37. I debated for two minutes, and then cashed in a few dollar credits for skipping fast shipping on books and started season 2.
38. I am now humbled to realize that I cannot buy season 3 because it isn’t a thing yet.
39. I don’t know what to watch next, and it’s hard to read when you’re coughing.
40. I haven’t sat at this computer in over a week.
41. I know this because my e-mail notification says something about plus 700 new emails.
42. Yahoo lies.
43. There are probably 5 real emails, and the rest are people still trying to get me to order for Christmas.
44. Probably better that I haven’t been on the computer.
45. God I need a laptop.
46. Or even, sigh, a tablet.
47. Tablets are evil.
48. I haven’t looked at myself in a mirror in days, she said, apropos of nothing.
49. It’s amazing how many dishes one person can make in three days.
50. Maybe the dirty dishes made me start to clean because I had run out of tea mugs.
51. Not really.
52. There are at least 20 more in the cabinet, but I don’t like any of those when I’m sick.
53. Coffee tastes really bad when you’re sick.
54. Tea tastes better with honey and lemon, but . . . well, see 13.
55. I realized that I was walking around the house with rubber gloves on after I did the dishes.
56. So I did the floors.
57. Kidding.
58. Not really.
59. So, yeah. That’s been my life for more days than I care to admit.
60. Corey gets home on Christmas Eve.
61. Let’s hope I can summon up some energy to drive to the airport.
62. I’m not sure what day or date it is.
63. At least the house will be mostly clean because I have once again retreated to my bed (with the clean sheets) and am now rewatching certain episodes of “Orphan Black.”
64. I can’t believe I had so many things to say.
65. Tired now. Bye.