“He finds himself bored by the shenanigans of highly spirited young men. Their concerns reside somewhere between balder and dash.” ~ Sara Sheridan, from Secret of the Sands

If it’s Friday, it must mean leftovers . . .

Friday morning, completely overcast with drizzle and fog, 48 degrees.

I have quite the collection today. My editorial asides are in italics below. Enjoy.


I don’t know why I found this so funny:

This actually happened:

From Memes & Comedy:

Also from Memes & Comedy:

Apparently, this has been a problem for longer than people thought, and no, the irony isn’t lost on me:

The Wichita Daily Eagle, Kansas, December 30, 1899

The Saint Paul Globe, Minnesota, March 2, 1905

The Tribune, Seymour, Indiana, July 13, 1909

The Atlanta Constitution, Georgia, May 13, 1912

The Evening Journal, Wilmington, Delaware, June 11, 1913

Woodson County Advocate, Yates Center, Kansas, August 6, 1915

The Guntersville Democrat, Alabama, June 22, 1921

Oh, the irony . . .

Daily News, New York, New York, February 13, 1925

The Courier-Journal, Louisville, Kentucky, May 22, 1950

I found most of these hilarious, but then, I’m easily amused. Be forewarned, several are audibly groan-worthy:

48 Incredibly Short, Clean Jokes That Are Actually Funny

  1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
    ImHully
  2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
    megan_james

  3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
    Moltenfirez

  4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
    Spysquirrel

  5. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
    Outlaws are wanted.
    Dave-Stark

  6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
    He said “Thanks”
    I said “Don’t mention it”
    3shirts

  7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
    kate_winslat

  8. I poured root beer in a square glass.
    Now I just have beer.
    PM_ME_TINY_DINOSAURS

  9. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
    One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
    alosercalledsusie

  10. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t”
    DinosRoar1

11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
PM-SOME-TITS

12. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One… or two?
Undescended_testicle

13. What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
Tetragon213

14. What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope.
Sooowhatisthis

15. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
BiffWhistler

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
leahcure

  1. So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.
    Jefferncfc
  • How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
    fireworkslass

  • A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
    ImHully

  • Why did the old man fall in the well?
    Because he couldn’t see that well.
    rangers_fan2

  • I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
    Rndomguytf

  • This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
    WikiWantsYourPics

  • My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
    I said “40”
    3shirts

  • I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
    It’s shift work.
    3shirts

  • I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
    breadman666

  • I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
    kailey_sara

  • What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
    Melchiah_III

  • Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
    SuperFreakyNaughty

  • Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
    -georgie

  • What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
    Aye matey.
    Wicked_Wanderer

  • What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
    Icy dead people.
    mysevenyearitch

  • Knock Knock
    Who’s There?
    Dishes
    Dishes Who?
    Dishes Sean Connery.
    Birdie_Num_Num

  • Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
    Deerhoof_Fan

  • Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
    The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
    The2ndKingInTheNorth

  • I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
    KaboomBoxer

  • My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
    -917-

  • People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
    But people in Abu Dhabi do!
    stevenmc

  • Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
    Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line” Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
    justacheesyguy

  • I’ve been told I’m condescending.
    (that means I talk down to people)
    iblinkyoublink

  • How did the hipster burn his mouth?
    He ate the pizza before it was cool.
    plax1780

  • Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
    BoxxerUOP

  • What’s ET short for?
    He’s only got little legs.
    3shirts

  • What’s the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
    laurtw

  • Why arent koalas actual bears?
    They dont meet the koalafications
    ImHully

  • It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
    auran98

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
    msdarth

  • Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
    I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.
    I_know_where_you_is

  • 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”. The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!”.
    Electric_Evil

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    “My real self wanders elsewhere, far away, wanders on and on invisibly and has nothing to do with my life.” ~ Hermann Hesse, from Siddhartha


    “A cold grey morning—houses have a faraway look; a bluejay screams; imminent sunshine from east light up palely the eastsides of houses.” ~ Charles Burchfield, Journal entry 3 November 1917

    Tuesday afternoon, partly cloudy, 52 degrees.

    Happy New Year, everyone. Hope 2019 is safe, happy, and healthy for you.

    Yesterday when I realized that I couldn’t gather my thoughts adequately to write, I spent many hours going through my drafts, pairing quotes and poem for future posts. I try not to repeat quotes or poem or music selections within posts, but after so many years, I’m certain that I’ve had some repeats inadvertently.

    Tumblr is a great source for the quotes and poems that I use. Several of the people who I follow always post wonderful things that serve as a source of inspiration for me. But when I first began posting, before the advent of tumblr, I used to do quotes searches on subjects, like water, or spring, or whatever I was thinking about.

    The internet has a plethora of quote sites, but I would caution any of you who choose to use these sites that the attributions are not always accurate. I always try to verify any quotes that I use so that I can be sure to list the correct work or individual from which the quote was taken. Goodreads is also a source for quotes, but again, as the site itself does not verify sources, anyone who belongs can post quotes, and I have found several that are inaccurate. Just a bit of housekeeping information

    “My road, that I do not understand, leads me
    Toward a blue, lost distance” ~ Hermann Hesse, from “Holiday Music in the Evening” (trans. James Wright)

    We think that Tink is getting better slowly. Today, she managed to keep down a bit of mashed rice and chicken that Corey made. So far, the fluffy boy shows no signs of being sick, but both Tillie and Bailey are a bit lethargic today. They’ve had all of their shots, so they cannot get canine parvovirus (CPV), but we’re thinking that maybe they can get a mild form of a virus. At least, that’s what we’re hoping is the case.

    The vet said that once a dog has had the virus, they will never get it again, so if we can just get her out of the woods, we’ll be okay. Here’s hoping. There’s a lot of hoping going on in our house right now.

    Dallas says that he vaccinated all of the puppies at six weeks, so if that’s accurate, Maddy cannot get the virus. The most interesting part of all of this is how the older dogs, as well as the male cat Ash are treating Tink. Maddy has been seen curling around her as she sleeps. Ash approached her very slowly and licked her, and neither Tillie nor Bailey have growled at her since she came home. The older girls are impatient with the ongoing puppy frolicking between Maddy and fluffy boy (no name seems to stick to him; it’s the strangest thing), but they all seem to know that Tink is sick.

    Animals are amazing.

    “And only the wildest of the forest creatures continued to hear the echo of a despairing, tortured wail in the soft whisper of the wind.” ~ Diane Hoh, from The Accident

    It’s now almost four hours since I first began this post. At first, I thought that I had it in me, but apparently not. I don’t really know what to say, other than we’re taking it slowly, hoping no one else gets sick, working with the puppy, and kind of ignoring the whole idea of holidays.

    Obviously the stress of such a sick animal is taxing, in many ways. I just try not to think about all of the implications, and focus instead on the good: watching Maddy and the fluffy boy have play fights; watching Tink sleep soundly on the couch, hoping that the sleep brings her rest and energy.

    You might think me extreme for this focus on my dogs, and perhaps I am, but truthfully, I do not care. They are our family for now. They bring me great joy and much needed company. I cannot imagine any of these animals deliberately breaking my heart, and so I will care for them with everything that I have.

    Perhaps tomorrow will allow me to write more.

    Peace.


    Music by Nirvana, “Where Did You Sleep Last Night” (Unplugged version)


    Today’s poem is by someone I don’t know much about; I found her on tumblr: Ingeborg Bachmann. For more information on her life and work, you can visit this very good article on Alejandra de Argos.

    [Everything is lost, the poems first]

    Everything is lost, the poems first,
    then sleep, then after that the day
    then everything else, what belonged to the day
    and what belonged to night, then when nothing
    more could be lost, more was lost, and then more,
    until there was less than nothing, not even myself,
    and there really was nothing more.

    Time to retreat to an inner hinterland
    with all the promised years and pictured places
    still before one’s eyes, where the earth
    no longer exists nor the shame, far
    back when there is still space, open stretches
    covered with doves, silent and bright beneath
    the talon, within calling range of him,
    the arrival, the silencer.

    For the silence, there is desolation
    with its perceivable web
    that softly spins its madness
    until it creates its glass hotel.

    ~ Ingeborg Bachmann (trans. Peter Filkins)

    If it’s Friday, it must mean leftovers . . .

    “Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.” ~ Lemony Snicket (aka Daniel Handler)

    A mashup for today. Enjoy!


    Butterfly on his bottom:

    A throwback: the Lucasfilm 1980 Star Wars Christmas Card by Ralph McQuarrie:

    For anyone dismayed by the December 17 tumblr inquisition:

    From ultrafacts.com:

    Source: [x] Click HERE for more facts!

    Source: [x] Click HERE for more facts!

    From incidentalcomics.tumblr.com:

    Also from ultrafacts.com:

     

    If it’s Friday, it must mean leftovers . . .

    Almost every night of my life . . . From The New Yorker

     

    Friday evening. Cloudy with drizzle, 46 degrees.

    Just a straightforward leftovers post. Spent too much time trying to find the perfect present for Corey, and now my back hurts. My life is so weird……..


    Self-explanatory:

    The four horsemen of the apocalypse from memesdaily

    Existentialgingerbreadism

    Also self-explanatory:

     

    From Ultrafacts: Perhaps a lesson here?

    For youngest son who spent years Rick Rolling everyone in sight:

    Also from Ultrafacts:


    Today’s poem was written by UK Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy for the centenary of Armistice Day, November 18, 2018 (I know that I’m late). This day is very important to Europeans, but somehow, 45 couldn’t go out in the rain to pay tribute to the fallen. The background on this sonnet can be found here.

    The Wound In Time

    It is the wound in Time. The century’s tides,
    chanting their bitter psalms, cannot heal it.
    Not the war to end all wars; death’s birthing place;
    the earth nursing its ticking metal eggs, hatching
    new carnage. But how could you know, brave
    as belief as you boarded the boats, singing?
    The end of God in the poisonous, shrapneled air.
    Poetry gargling its own blood. We sense it was love
    you gave your world for; the town squares silent,
    awaiting their cenotaphs. What happened next?
    War. And after that? War. And now? War. War.
    History might as well be water, chastising this shore;
    for we learn nothing from your endless sacrifice.
    Your faces drowning in the pages of the sea.

    “This is what I like about photographs. They’re proof that once, even if just for a heartbeat, everything was perfect.” ~ Jodi Picoult, from Lone Wolf

    From left to right: Napoleon, Boots, Sassy, and Petra
    If it’s Friday, it must mean leftovers . . .

    Friday afternoon, mostly cloudy, 37 degrees.

    Yes, it’s a leftovers post. I had planned to write, but then there was that whole lack of sleep thing, wide awake at 5 a.m. thing . . . That, plus the new cat has taken to using the master bathroom as a litter box, and it’s extremely annoying. She doesn’t use the floor; no, she uses the flannel cover that I put down for her bed. Why, cat, why?

    So between cleaning toxic cat poop and trying to get two of the horses back into the pasture after they broke through the fence again and came wandering up to the front porch, it’s been a trying day.

    I will let you know that I have decided on names for the four horses that we have so far: The stallion is Napoleon, because he’s small and has a small man’s complex that makes him bully the fillies, and he has this lock of hair that falls on his brow very reminiscent of all of the Napoleon portraits. The two Sorrel horses are Sassy (the big one that continuously escapes and thinks it’s funny), and Boots, the one with white boots. And finally, the slow white and brown paint is Petra, mostly because when I was a child we had a Yorkie that was a bit slow, and dad named her Petra, and she was the sweetest dog ever.

    So that’s the horse family for now. On to the leftovers!


    How cool was this?

    2600 people form a chain to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the discovery of the DNA. Genentech employees set a Guinness World Record for the Largest “Human” DNA Helix on April 21, 2011 in San Francisco.

    Any excuse to post Tom Hiddleston:

    Alrighty then . . .

    Audible groan when you see it:

    Well this just blows out of the water everything I believed about hand dryers . . . except for Dyson hand dryers. I want one in my house.

    Er, excuse me?

    I love dry roasted peanuts too, but this?

    More later. Peace.


    Music by Imagine Dragons, “Thunder” (I love this video)

    No longer under construction . . .

    “Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” ~ Gustave Flaubert

    Tuesday evening, cloudy and very cold, 23 degrees.

    No real words today. Spent hours customizing this particular theme and creating a new header. One of my goals is to try to incorporate more of my own photography with my posts, especially as we continue to develop and grow our little spot of mountain paradise. For instance, we now have four horses in the pasture, and two more to come (more on the horses later). And then there will be the goats, and chickens, and . . . well . . . you get the idea.

    Anyway, one of the reasons that I didn’t like the other theme was that it didn’t adjust for screen size. This one is supposed to do that. Let me know if it doesn’t seem to be fitting on your screen, or if you see any glaring omissions or errors.

    I’ve updated my widgets, but I still need to clean up a few more outdated links. Even though a few of the links are to sites that aren’t currently active, I just hate to delete them. It feels a bit like deleting old friends, so you’ll excuse my sentimentality, won’t you?

    So that’s all for today. I’m still trying to get back into a daily posting mode. Not going so well so far, but as with all things, it will take time. Baby steps, as it were.

    More later. Peace.


    Music by Hozier, “Take Me to Church,” featuring Sergei Polunin, directed by David LaChapelle

    If it’s Friday, it must mean leftovers . . .

    marshawn-lynch-nfl-super-bowl-xlix-seattle-seahawks-press-conference1-850x560
    Marshawn Lynch at NFL Super Bowl Press Conference

    Friday afternoon. Drizzle and cold, 47 degrees.

    Corey arrived home safely yesterday. No word on when he will be called back. I never thought I would wish for oil prices to skyrocket . . .

    Bad night last night—too wired to sleep, and the dogs were feeding off that anxiety by announcing a need to go out pretty much once an hour. In between, I was seized with a vicious migraine, and then the ensuing body-itching from the pain medication. Today I plan to do a whole lot of nothing after spending two days cleaning a house that wasn’t really dirty, which didn’t stop me from taking the bottom of the vacuum apart to pull strings from the roller (love that my Dyson doesn’t have any belts). That’s just how I get once I go into overdrive.

    Ah, the sweet, sweet joys of my life . . .

    More later. Peace.

    This week’s headline:

    “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” ~ Marshawn Lynch’s Super Bowl Press Conference

    As Jon Stewart pointed out, Lynch was threatened with a ridiculous $500k fine if he didn’t show and a possible other fine for wearing the wrong hat, yet the NFL does little to nothing when it comes to the serious infractions, you know, like domestic violence:

    “How is it that this guy is facing international drug cartel penalty money, but the owners and commissioner of the league have no obligation to address stadium financing shenanigans or concussions or domestic violence policies?” ~ Jon Stewart, “The Daily Show” (29 January 2015)

    Shakespeare’s tragedies by body count:

    Diagramming my life:

    Dr. James Barry was a woman:

    James Miranda Stuart Barry was a military surgeon in the British Army. After graduation from the University of Edinburgh Medical School, Barry served in India and Cape Town, South Africa. By the end of his career, he had risen to the rank of Inspector General in charge of military hospitals. Although Barry lived his adult life as a man, he was born a female and was named Margaret Ann Bulkley. In his travels he not only improved conditions for wounded soldiers, but also the conditions of the native inhabitants. Among his accomplishments was the first caesarean section in Africa by a British surgeon in which both the mother and child survived the operation.

    Well, how could I not include this?

    See this? This is not how my dogs would help:

    They would either sit on the extended part of the tape measure or take the whole thing and run away . . .

    Too perfect . . .

    And oh how I wish so many times that I would have been able to say and do something like this:

    See—I freaking told you . . .

    Things that can happen at Wal-Mart: