“It was a dark and stormy nightmare.” ~ Neil Gaiman


My Take on Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”

Nightmare: Vivid, distressing dream that lasts until I wake up or my head explodes . . .

” . . . it is sitting on your chest torturing you, giving you nightmares.” ~ Bhagwan Shree Raineesh

the-scream-maskI awoke again this morning from another nightmare. This state of affairs is becoming increasingly intolerable, especially since this time my awakening was accompanied by a migraine that felt as if someone was trying to rip out my right eyeball.

The fact that I am even writing about ripping out eyeballs should be indicative of my state of distress: I hate anything to do with eyeballs. I refuse to watch any part of a movie that has any kind of object within range of the eyes. I don’t even think that I could get laser surgery on my eyes because I am so timid about eyeballs. It’s amazing that I can wear contacts.

But that is exactly what this pain felt like. I was whimpering so much that the dogs became distressed, and Shakes crawled up my chest, with all of his Polar Bear bulk, and began to lick my chin. Tillie started whining, and Alfie jumped off the bed.

Need I say that this was not a pretty sight?

“I couldn’t awake from the nightmare/That sucked me in and pulled me under/ Pulled me under.” ~ Jeff Buckley

pink-floyd-screamIn this particular nightmare, I was working for the realty firm again, the one for which I was marketing director.  Almost all of my nightmares or anxiety dreams involve something about work or going to work or leaving work. (Could be that I still have unresolved feelings about being on disability, especially since I’ve worked almost my whole life?)

So in this nightmare, I was at some boring realtors’ dinner, and I needed to leave in time to pick up my daughter. Now this scenario does not seem to be the standard material for a nightmare. Seems pretty lame, in fact.

I won’t go into all of the details because they continue in the same vein. Nevertheless, turn into a nightmare it did, along with the accompanying feelings of helplessness, distress, and heightened senses. This particular nightmare would be classified as a perceived assault on my self-esteem as opposed to an assault on my person. Okay, whatever.

I just know that when I awoke, my heart was pounding, and I was breathing in short, shallow gasps. The bonus was the throbbing, pulsating pain in my head and the rotating spots in my eyes.

But the most awful part is that after I woke up and Corey shoved an axert down my throat, the nightmare continued once I was able to go back to sleep. Tell me this isn’t weird.

“Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” ~ John Lennon

Human Cerebral Cortex: My Brain in Overdrive

I did a little reading on nightmares, and apparently, they are most common in children, but adults do have them. The causes range from stress, real-life trauma, fevers, anxiety, bereavement, heredity, and reactions to medicine.

Since this onset of nightmares began when I changed medicine, I think that I can deduce the cause of these nightly forays into fright land. But I also think that the more that I have them, the more that they are going to occur—sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are breeding and multiplying in my subconscious like some amoeba on Viagra.

I want to send a cease and desist signal to my cerebral cortex: Stop with the creative nocturnal psychosis, please. I don’t mind if my cerebral cortex goes into overdrive when I want to be creative, but this is too much.

“This has got to be a nightmare . . . I haven’t woken up yet.” ~ Curtis Sliwa

"Scream" by Zachary Goodson

There is actually something called “Nightmare Disorder” (of course there is). The criteria are the following:  

  • Repeatedly wakes up with detailed recollection of long, frightening dreams centering around threats to survival, security or self-esteem, usually occurring in the second half of sleep or nap period.
  • Becomes oriented and alert instantly upon awakening.
  • Results in distress or impairment of occupational, social or other important areas of functioning.
  • Symptoms are not caused by general medical condition or by use of medications or other substances.

  • I have the first three, but am not sure about number four. According to the Psychology Today Diagnosis Dictionary, a tendency towards nightmares can be inherited (http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/nightmare.html). I remember when I was a child, my father used to have these screaming nightmares. He would thrash about and wake up wild-eyed. Unfortunately, sleep apnea can also be a cause for nightmares, and my father, being a Filipino, had a predisposition to sleep apnea.

    Sleep apnea is a very common occurrence in Filipino males; very often they stop breathing, and then gasp and begin breathing again. My father used to do this, and it was scary as hell to see when it happened. A few times, my mother would pound him on the chest to make sure he started breathing again. But being a stubborn man, he never saw a physician for his condition.

    The syndrome actually has a name: Sudden unexplained nocturnal death syndrome, and it occurs predominantly in Southeast Asian males. Filipinos call it bangungut, which is Tagalog for “to arise and moan,” the word for nightmare.

    Another symptom of sleep apnea is loud snoring. My father’s snoring was incredible. Sometimes I would lie in my bed at night and just listen. The snoring wasn’t  just an inhale/exhale normal kind of snoring. It had tonal variations, and one inhalation seemed to go on forever. Apparently, well not apparently but decidedly, I too have an incredible ability to snore. It wasn’t always like this, but in recent years, I have begun to wake myself up with my snoring. The only being in the house who snores louder than I is Tillie (this according to Corey who must sleep next to my noisy self—now that’s love).

    “Dreams are often most profound when they seem most crazy.” ~ Sigmund Freud

    Homer's Simpson's "Scream"

    The number of theories about dreams abound. Freud believed that our dreams were a reflection of our unconscious desires. I don’t agree with that one. Some researchers say that dreams are the cortex’s way of  finding meaning from random signals that are sent out during REM sleep and then creating a story from these signals. Others say that dreams are the mind’s way of sifting through the detritus of everyday life and getting rid of the things that we don’t want to warehouse in long-term storage.

    Personally, I believe the third explanation more than the other two. When I try to interpret my normal dreams, often the randomness has a pattern formed from insignificant events that occurred during the day or the previous day.  For example if I dream about my mother driving a bus, I may have had a telephone conversation with my mother about nothing, and a bus may have nearly sideswiped me on my way to the store.

    “Everything in a dream is more deep and strong and sharp and real than is ever its pale imitation in the unreal life . . .” ~ Mark Twain 

    "The Scream" by Dwayne Jensen

    But one thing is certain about my dreams and nightmares: I can recall most of them vividly upon waking, which can be very disturbing if the dream was particularly unsettling. The feelings aroused by the dream/nightmare carry over into my day, coloring my mood and attitude. For example, haven’t you ever dreamed that you had an argument with someone, and then when you awoke, you actually felt mad at that person?

    So you can imagine my state of mind when I have a nightmare: I am mad at the world or whatever part of it inhabited my mind during REM. Luckily for the other members of the family, my nightmares rarely involve them in a negative light.

    I told Corey this morning that I thought that one of the reasons I had a migraine was that I must have been clenching my jaw during my nightmare. My jaw has hurt all day, just like it did when I had TMJ and used to clench my way into a migraine either from anxiety or anger. Luckily, I managed to teach myself not to clench, especially after two jaw surgeries, and I have no desire to reacquire that painful habit . . .

     “Those with the greatest awareness have the greatest nightmares.” ~ Mahatma Ghandi

    "Dreaming Big" by Steve Roberts*

    I don’t know that I necessarily have more awareness than most people, but I definitely have more nightmares than anyone I know. Maybe I have nightmares because I can’t deal with reality. Who knows?

    But one thing is certain: If these nightmares, vivid dreams, whatever, don’t lessen, I may never be able to look forward again to a good night’s sleep as I once did.

    “To sleep, perchance to dream” has taken on a whole new meaning, and that connotation is not particularly welcoming.

    There will be more later. Peace.


    The American Dream (part 2)–according to Sarah Palin

    I have to get this off my chest: Aside from the fact that I’m not a conservative Republican, I don’t have an issue with her daughter’s pregnancy. That’s none of my business, and as someone who believe in pro-choice, her daughter is old enough to decide what she wants to do. I also can truly appreciate Palin’s status as the mother of a special needs child, and I don’t see how that should be brought up as an issue as to whether or not her children should in any way affect her ability to be a candidate. I agree with Obama: family should be off-limits in this campaign.

    But obviously, that’s not how Palin views it. She put her family on display tonight, and made the whole family values issue a big, fat cog in the Republican campaign machine by introducing herself as “just a simple hockey mom.” But even that isn’t my issue here. This is my issue: Palin fired the cook at the governor’s mansion, as in when she moved into the governor’s mansion, she fired the cook. That’s my issue. Now it might sound as if I’m nitpicking when there are a whole bunch of really big issues to discuss, but bear with me. Firing the cook is just one example of how Palin, a non-feminist (because conservatives do not consider themselves to be feminists (because they do not know the true meaning of the word)), operates, making it appear that any other woman who does not operate in a comparable method, is a whiner, or just plain loser. She is the wife/mother who can do it all without any help, and she seems to see asking for help as a weakness. So how much sympathy is she going to have for the rest of us? I think this is a point worth pondering as the Vice President sits over Congress, which is where we will be fighting over key legislature on family rights bills in the coming term.

    More examples of super mom on steroids (just a figure of speech, not an accusation): Palin went back to work three days after the birth of baby Trig and nurses Trig during meetings. How nice. She gave a keynote speech when she was eight months pregnant; her water broke, and she flew home; most airlines won’t even let you get on a plane when you are eight months pregnant, let alone if your water has broken, but not super mom. How many of the working mothers out there, myself included, had the opportunity to nurse their newborns or infants during staff meetings? And I’m sorry to mention this delicate matter, especially since she’s now being described as “full of fire,” but, which will come first if she’s nursing her baby during a session of Congress and, god forbid, has to suddenly fill in for the president, especially since she doesn’t believe in nannies.

    I know, I’m being cynical again. But talk about being a wee bit cynical. Palin is no pussycat. Repeatedly, she whomped on Obama as being just a “community organizer” with no real experience in her version of a political acceptance speech. I’m just wondering what the reaction would have been if a male candidate had spent the first 10 minutes of his speech pontificating on his stellar experience as a dad and not a politician. And, of course, Palin impaled the media, but I find it curiously ironic that the McCain organizers asked for everyone to back off the Palin family, but she was so willing to put her family, especially 17-year-old Bristol and her boyfriend front and center at the convention for all of America to see. “Do as I say but not as I do”?

    But as usual, I digress . . . She fired the cook, has no help with the kids other than the older kids, gets the kids to hockey, PTA, ballet, church, etc., etc., etc. In other words. She can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never, every forget “her guy” is her man. May I gag now? I have dust bunnies on my cobwebs. We’ve already discussed my penchant for clutter and my continually growing personal library. I love my children more than life, but I have occasionally used my family as babysitters, and when I was working full-time, all of them at one time or another stayed with one or the other of their grandmothers during the day. It was the main reason I moved back to the area: so that my children could know their grandparents, and Filipinos believe in extended family participating in the care of the babies.

    My family life is definitely not perfect. My daughter did not get pregnant at 17, but she was not an angel.  I think that few of us could withstand microscopic scrutiny of our families. That is not the point. What I wanted to hear was what was never said: her political ideaology. What does she believe? Not just that she believes that John McCain is right for the job, not that she believes that he is an honorable man, not that she doesn’t believe that Obama is qualified—what does Sarah Palin believe this country needs in order to become unified, to progress, to end this war, to solve its educational woes, to end its dependence on fossil fuels, to take care of the largest deficit in history? I didn’t hear any of that. But I know the names of her children, and that she cooks in the governor’s mansion.

    Too much information, not enough substance, and definitely nothing to give me hope for a better tomorrow.