One Hundred Things

These are the things . . .

I realized that even though I’ve done a few memes on here, I haven’t ever really talked about myself completely, honestly. So I thought that I would compose a random list, just to see where it takes me. So here we go:

1. I like broccoli, cauliflower and brussel sprouts. About the only vegetable I really hate is okra, and that’s because it’s slimey and hairy.
2. I’ve never eaten escargot. No matter how much garlic you put on it, it’s still a snail.
3. I love shrimp, but I will not eat lobster. If someone around me orders lobster, I make clawing motions with my hands and say “help me” in a high-pitched voice so as to shame them for eating something that could live for years and years in the ocean.
4. I also will not eat lamb or veal. Do you know how they make veal? If you did, then you couldn’t possibly eat it.
5. I love chocolate. I have tried to give up chocolate many times as it is not good for my headaches, and it is full of calories, but it keeps coming back and jumping into my mouth when I’m not looking.

   

   Kayaking at First Landing State Park by Karen Roberts

6. The last time I was timed, I typed 126 words a minute. That was a long time ago, and I type much faster now.
7. I have gone kayaking, and actually really enjoyed it. If I had the opportunity, I would own my own kayak and use it on the Chesapeake Bay.
8. I like to go hiking in the foothills of Virginia, but I haven’t done it since I hurt my back. My ex and I once went hiking/camping with some friends of ours. The girl wore penny loafers to go hiking. That was her idea of old shoes. I ended up carrying the guy’s pack on the hike back. Not outdoor people.
9. I love my dogs and treat them like children. Dogs are meant to be loved and talked to. People who abuse dogs should be put in jail as far as I’m concerned. A man who will beat a dog will beat a child or a woman. Don’t ever believe any differently.
10. I enjoy the smell of fresh cut lilacs, rosemary, gardenias, and lavender.
11. Butterflies are small miracles.



Tiger Swallowtail on Lantana by L. Liwag

12. My three children, who are no longer small, are still my pride and joy, even when they screw up. After all, who doesn’t screw up once in a while?
13. I would love to have more children, even though I am considered past my childbearing years. But what does that mean, anyway? I really don’t care.
14. If I could live anywhere in the world, I would live somewhere where I could see water and mountains at the same time.
15. I believe in nationalized medicine and a flat tax rate.
16. I am a liberal liberal. I don’t mind paying more taxes if it means that there will be better schools and better healthcare. My only protest against paying more taxes is that I want the rich to pay their fair share, too, and to stop having so many loopholes so that they end up paying less than those of us in the middle of the road.
17. I miss my father every day of every week of every year. I see him in my dreams often. I believe that he is looking out for me as best he can.
18. When I was at the beach once, I asked god for a sign that things were going to be all right, and then the waves pulled back, and a perfect shell was there at my feet.
19. I believe in angels.
20. I wish that I remembered more from my publishing class on computer systems, but it was such a painful experience the first time that I think that I have blocked everything that I managed to learn.
21. I love Beowulf (not the movie, the written version)
22. I wish that I looked like Angelina Jolie, but I wish more that I had her ability to go to poor countries and do something for the people who live there.



Angelina Jolie as Goodwill Ambassador

23. I collect stuffed bears, and I buy the ones who look like they need a home.
24. I have a calendar fetish. I always have at least three calendars of my own: one next to my desk, one in my purse, and one in the kitchen. If I had more places to put them, I would have more.
25. I am a speed reader, but I don’t scan in order to read more quickly. For example, I read each of the Harry Potter Books, even the longest one, in just one day.
26. I have read The Lord of the Rings more times than I can remember.
27. The English Patient is one of the most beautiful books ever written, and the movie is still one of my favorites.
28. I get silly drunk about two times a year, but otherwise, I drink very seldom.
29. I don’t do illegal drugs, and the worst thing I ever did when I was a teenager was speed, and I hated the way that it made me feel.
30. I love to learn. I have one bachelor’s degree, and two master’s degrees. I would go for another degree in a heartbeat.
31. I miss being in the front of the classroom but not enough to teach in the Norfolk Public School system.
32. I’ve never been in a girl fight. How utterly stupid.
33. I am very sentimental. I can cry at a Hallmark commercial, a Lifetime movie, or a YouTube clip. Sarah McLachlan’s commercials about animals in shelters just kills me.
34. I am fiercely loyal and protective.
35. I am an Aquarius.
36. Eamonn and Caitlin’s birthdays are within ten days of each other in March (Pisces); Alexis and Brett’s birthdays are within three days of each other in July (Cancer).
37. It’s far easier to give birth in March than in July.
38. I’m not afraid of needles, as in having blood drawn, but I hate it when I get someone who is not good at putting in an IV. That hurts.
39. I talk back to the computer and other inanimate objects. I also carry on conversations with other drivers, but they don’t know it.
40. I love coffee and hot tea. I drink cream in most types of hot tea except for Earl Gray and Oolong.



"Blue Tea Cup," by Claire Lerner

41. My favorite dessert is Tiramisu, followed closely by real New York cheesecake.
42. I used to be a shopaholic but have since reformed, for a variety of reasons.
43. I believe that psychopharmaceuticals were developed for a reason and that no one should be ashamed of having to take them.
44. I hate it when people jump to conclusions.
45. I have a terrible habit of correcting other people’s English.
46. My husband is younger than I am, and when we first got together, no one thought that it would last. We’ve been together for nine years, and it is the best relationship of my life.
47. My mother is without a doubt the one person in this world who can get to me more than anyone else. She knows exactly what buttons to push.
48. I wish that Alexis believed in herself more, but at this point, I have to let her be who she is and try not to interfere.
49. My last beta, Mulder, decided that he didn’t like me and wouldn’t look at me any more. I took it very personally. He doesn’t live here any more.



Blue Beta: Mulder Did Not Look Like This

50. I am hooked on crime shows: CSI, Without a Trace, Law & Order. I do not like sitcoms.
51. Heidi Klum is über gorgeous, especially when she is pregnant.
52. American society is fixated on how people look and doesn’t pay nearly enough attention to educating its children.
53. Someday, I want to go to Australia, Ireland, and Greece.
54. I love to take pictures but don’t like to have my picture taken.
55. Cruises cease to be fun when you run out of money.
56. My big goal in life is to be debt-free and to have good credit again.
57. All of my children inherited my propensity for depression as I inherited it from my father. Sometimes genetics really sucks.
58. I wish that Mari lived nearby so that we could spend time together again.
59. I need to get off my ass and put together my book, but I am too scared of the whole rejection process.  



Point Woronzof Sunset by Janson Jones of Floridana Alaskiana

60. I managed a newsroom when I was 19-years-old.
61. One day, I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
62. Ending sentences in a preposition really bothers me.
63. I love to use quotations by other people in my own work. It helps me to focus.
64. I love sunsets and sunrises. I cannot think of anything more beautiful than a painted sky.
65. I miss getting dressed, putting on make-up and going to work everyday. I love make-up.
66. I hate dreaming that I am at work.
67. I believe that men and women can be friends, but sooner or later, sex tries to get in the way.
68. I love music: classical, pop, classic rock, country, new age (whatever the hell that means), opera, blues, even some hard rock.
69. My birthstone is garnet, which I love, but I also love pearls, aquamarines, and diamonds.
70. One day, I am going to have a big diamond ring, just because.
71. I used to love to wear hats, but now I just look silly.
72. I have long wavy hair, and I would like a new hairstyle, but I look like a monkey when I have short hair.
73. I usually eat one big meal a day (dinner), and maybe a snack, but I cannot lose weight. I hate that.
74. I can be very impatient, which can lead to my being snarky, especially when I’m driving.
75. I find that I always end up telling Corey where to park, even though he doesn’t need my help. I wonder why I do that?
76. I speed on the interstate, but I obey the speed limit in the city.
77. I desperately need a new old car that is just mine because Eamonn ruined Izzie the Trooper, and it smells like cigarettes.
78. I love ankle bracelets and earrings, and I love watches, but am down to about four now that still work.
79. I smoked during college exams, but I hate cigarettes, and cigarette smoke.
80. I don’t look my age, but that is because of good genes and Oil of Olay Regenerist, and I don’t ever tell people how old I really am.
81. Writing my blog posts is my daily therapy.
82. Both Shakes and Tillie snore, but Tillie snores louder. I snore louder than anyone in the house.
83. I hate my body. I feel like a sausage most of the time.
84. I really love shoes and boots, especially boots.
85. I wear Christmas socks all year long.
86. We are not friendly with most of our neighbors. I wonder why.
87. I have never really wanted to own a horse, but I have considered living on an old farm.
88. I am a hoarder when it comes to books and sentimental things like old cards and letters.
89. I used to own a yard tractor and would mow the yard in my bathing suit. Of course, that was when I was in good shape. My nasty neighbor to my left thought that it was scandolous.
90. I hold a grudge, expecially if I feel that I have been wronged unfairly.
91. I think about revenge, but have never actually taken it.
92. Bad manners offend me, and my sons know this and use it to drive me crazy.
93. I wash my hands a lot, but I don’t think that I am OCD about it.
94. One day, my bedroom will finally be painted, and I will be able to put in my new furniture.
95. I like antiques even though my mother calls them “tired, old things” and believes that people should move on.  



Original Yoda

96. I have a hard time moving on, and don’t adjust to change very well.
97. I like the first three Star Wars movies (chronologically) a lot better than the last three (numerically).
98. Corey brings me a cup of hot mint tea every night before bed. Isn’t that thoughtful?
99. I am a pantheist: I believe that god, some kind of god, exists in all things: people, animals, trees, water, and that if we listen carefully enough, we can become one with all things in nature.
100. One day, I will finally go on a poetry retreat.

 

That’s quite enough for today. Peace.

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“It was a dark and stormy nightmare.” ~ Neil Gaiman

My Take on Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”

Nightmare: Vivid, distressing dream that lasts until I wake up or my head explodes . . .

” . . . it is sitting on your chest torturing you, giving you nightmares.” ~ Bhagwan Shree Raineesh

I awoke again this morning from another nightmare. This state of affairs is becoming increasingly intolerable, especially since this time my awakening was accompanied by a migraine that felt as if someone was trying to rip out my right eyeball.

The fact that I am even writing about ripping out eyeballs should be indicative of my state of distress: I hate anything to do with eyeballs. I refuse to watch any part of a movie that has any kind of object within range of the eyes. I don’t even think that I could get laser surgery on my eyes because I am so timid about eyeballs. It’s amazing that I can wear contacts.

But that is exactly what this pain felt like. I was whimpering so much that the dogs became distressed, and Shakes crawled up my chest, with all of his Polar Bear bulk, and began to lick my chin. Tillie started whining, and Alfie jumped off the bed.

Need I say that this was not a pretty sight?

“I couldn’t awake from the nightmare/That sucked me in and pulled me under/ Pulled me under.” ~ Jeff Buckley

In this particular nightmare, I was working for the realty firm again, the one for which I was marketing director.  Almost all of my nightmares or anxiety dreams involve something about work or going to work or leaving work. (Could be that I still have unresolved feelings about being on disability, especially since I’ve worked almost my whole life?)

So in this nightmare, I was at some boring realtors’ dinner, and I needed to leave in time to pick up my daughter. Now this scenario does not seem to be the standard material for a nightmare. Seems pretty lame, in fact.

I won’t go into all of the details because they continue in the same vein. Nevertheless, turn into a nightmare it did, along with the accompanying feelings of helplessness, distress, and heightened senses. This particular nightmare would be classified as a perceived assault on my self-esteem as opposed to an assault on my person. Okay, whatever.

I just know that when I awoke, my heart was pounding, and I was breathing in short, shallow gasps. The bonus was the throbbing, pulsating pain in my head and the rotating spots in my eyes.

But the most awful part is that after I woke up and Corey shoved an axert down my throat, the nightmare continued once I was able to go back to sleep. Tell me this isn’t weird.

“Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?” ~ John Lennon

Human Cerebral Cortex: My Brain in Overdrive

I did a little reading on nightmares, and apparently, they are most common in children, but adults do have them. The causes range from stress, real-life trauma, fevers, anxiety, bereavement, heredity, and reactions to medicine.

Since this onset of nightmares began when I changed medicine, I think that I can deduce the cause of these nightly forays into fright land. But I also think that the more that I have them, the more that they are going to occur—sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are breeding and multiplying in my subconscious like some amoeba on Viagra.

I want to send a cease and desist signal to my cerebral cortex: Stop with the creative nocturnal psychosis, please. I don’t mind if my cerebral cortex goes into overdrive when I want to be creative, but this is too much.

“This has got to be a nightmare . . . I haven’t woken up yet.” ~ Curtis Sliwa

"Scream" by Zachary Goodson

There is actually something called “Nightmare Disorder” (of course there is). The criteria are the following:  

Repeatedly wakes up with detailed recollection of long, frightening dreams centering around threats to survival, security or self-esteem, usually occurring in the second half of sleep or nap period.

Becomes oriented and alert instantly upon awakening.

Results in distress or impairment of occupational, social or other important areas of functioning.

Symptoms are not caused by general medical condition or by use of medications or other substances.

I have the first three, but am not sure about number four. According to the Psychology Today Diagnosis Dictionary, a tendency towards nightmares can be inherited (http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/nightmare.html). I remember when I was a child, my father used to have these screaming nightmares. He would thrash about and wake up wild-eyed. Unfortunately, sleep apnea can also be a cause for nightmares, and my father, being a Filipino, had a predisposition to sleep apnea.

Sleep apnea is a very common occurrence in Filipino males; very often they stop breathing, and then gasp and begin breathing again. My father used to do this, and it was scary as hell to see when it happened. A few times, my mother would pound him on the chest to make sure he started breathing again. But being a stubborn man, he never saw a physician for his condition.

The syndrome actually has a name: Sudden unexplained nocturnal death syndrome, and it occurs predominantly in Southeast Asian males. Filipinos call it bangungut, which is Tagalog for “to arise and moan,” the word for nightmare.

Another symptom of sleep apnea is loud snoring. My father’s snoring was incredible. Sometimes I would lie in my bed at night and just listen. The snoring wasn’t  just an inhale/exhale normal kind of snoring. It had tonal variations, and one inhalation seemed to go on forever. Apparently, well not apparently but decidedly, I too have an incredible ability to snore. It wasn’t always like this, but in recent years, I have begun to wake myself up with my snoring. The only being in the house who snores louder than I is Tillie (this according to Corey who must sleep next to my noisy self—now that’s love).

“Dreams are often most profound when they seem most crazy.” ~ Sigmund Freud

Homer's Simpson's "Scream"

The number of theories about dreams abound. Freud believed that our dreams were a reflection of our unconscious desires. I don’t agree with that one. Some researchers say that dreams are the cortex’s way of  finding meaning from random signals that are sent out during REM sleep and then creating a story from these signals. Others say that dreams are the mind’s way of sifting through the detritus of everyday life and getting rid of the things that we don’t want to warehouse in long-term storage.

Personally, I believe the third explanation more than the other two. When I try to interpret my normal dreams, often the randomness has a pattern formed from insignificant events that occurred during the day or the previous day.  For example if I dream about my mother driving a bus, I may have had a telephone conversation with my mother about nothing, and a bus may have nearly sideswiped me on my way to the store.

“Everything in a dream is more deep and strong and sharp and real than is ever its pale imitation in the unreal life . . .” ~ Mark Twain 

"The Scream" by Dwayne Jensen

But one thing is certain about my dreams and nightmares: I can recall most of them vividly upon waking, which can be very disturbing if the dream was particularly unsettling. The feelings aroused by the dream/nightmare carry over into my day, coloring my mood and attitude. For example, haven’t you ever dreamed that you had an argument with someone, and then when you awoke, you actually felt mad at that person?

So you can imagine my state of mind when I have a nightmare: I am mad at the world or whatever part of it inhabited my mind during REM. Luckily for the other members of the family, my nightmares rarely involve them in a negative light.

I told Corey this morning that I thought that one of the reasons I had a migraine was that I must have been clenching my jaw during my nightmare. My jaw has hurt all day, just like it did when I had TMJ and used to clench my way into a migraine either from anxiety or anger. Luckily, I managed to teach myself not to clench, especially after two jaw surgeries, and I have no desire to reacquire that painful habit . . .

 “Those with the greatest awareness have the greatest nightmares.” ~ Mahatma Ghandi

"Dreaming Big" by Steve Roberts*

I don’t know that I necessarily have more awareness than most people, but I definitely have more nightmares than anyone I know. Maybe I have nightmares because I can’t deal with reality. Who knows?

But one thing is certain: If these nightmares, vivid dreams, whatever, don’t lessen, I may never be able to look forward again to a good night’s sleep as I once did.

“To sleep, perchance to dream” has taken on a whole new meaning, and that connotation is not particularly welcoming.

There will be more later. Peace.

*http://www.steverobertsart.com/images/dreaming_big–small1_a7sz.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.steverobertsart.com/Announcements.html&usg=__AmTOf15OSxc_AU1OLXoSe70hE50=&h=336&w=448&sz=16&hl=en&start=38&tbnid=EFoz060Yka4ePM:&tbnh=95&tbnw=127&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddreaming%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN%26start%3D20