“Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold and hungry and weary.” ~ Henry David Thoreau, December 25, 1856

"Fresh Snow, Yosemite Valley, California," by Ansel Adams (c. 1947)

                   

“I keep following this sort of hidden river of my life, you know, whatever the topic or impulse which comes, I follow it along trustingly. And I don’t have any sense of its coming to a kind of crescendo, or of its petering out either. It is just going steadily along.” ~ William Stafford

Wednesday, late afternoon. Rainy, mid 50’s.

"Cedar Tree, Winter, Yosemite Valley," by Ansel Adams (c. 1935)

Listening to Vienna Teng in the background. She’s a recent discovery. Voice like silk, beautiful lyrics. The perfect backdrop. I’ve been adding her songs here and there to my other playlists, but I decided to save the entire playlist; she’s that good. Here’s the link if you’re interested.

So, three days later, four days of antibiotics . . . how do I feel? Badly wrung and hung out to dry in the rain. The only way to describe my chest is wet. Coughing is still quite painful. Luckily, I’m not coughing as much, but when I do, my whole body feels wracked. Monday, I had a little burst of energy, felt better than I had in days, so what did I do? Act sensibly? Of course not. I did laundry, the dishes, and wiped down the bathroom. Consequently, I felt worse.

I always do that when I’ve been really sick—the first little glimmer of recovery, and I go overboard, attempting to cram in as much as possible during the energy spurt. You would think that after all of these years that I would know better. Of course, the operative word here is think . . .

Unfortunately, Corey seems to have a chest cold now. He insists that it is not bronchitis, but it sure sounds like it. Of course, his ability to rebound from such things is much better than mine. Here’s hoping that the cold/not bronchitis has resolved itself before he has to go to the colds of Europe.

“Even as a child, she had preferred night to day, had enjoyed sitting out in the yard after sunset, under the star-speckled sky listening to frogs and crickets. Darkness soothed. It softened the sharp edges of the world, toned down the too-harsh colors. With the coming of twilight, the sky seemed to recede; the universe expanded. The night was bigger than the day, and in its realm, life seemed to have more possibilities.” ~ Dean Koontz, Midnight

I have spent some of my down time reading. Corey bought me the Stieg Larsson Milennium Trilogy as an early birthday present. I’ve been wanting to read this series for quite a while. I finished The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo on Monday evening and handed it over to Eamonn, who also wants to read the series because he saw the movie.

"Locust Strees in Snow, Yosemite Valley," by Ansel Adams (1929)

It’s intense reading, lots of characters, densely written, but most excellent. I read that Larsson, a Swedish journalist, signed a contract for three books, a rare opportunity for an unpublished writer. Unfortunately, Larsson died right before the first book in the series was published. He had written books one and two before trying to find a publisher, and had apparently had conceived of ten books.

I know that I’m coming to the series late, but I’m so glad that I’m finally reading the books contain one of the most intriguing characters I’ve come across in a long time in crime/mystery novels, Lisbeth Salander. The other really great thing for me was that I did not figure out the plot halfway through, which, unfortunately, is usually the case.

Now that I’ve read book one, I can see the movie, which is the good side. The bad side is that there are only three books to read. How cool it would have been to read ten of these.

“The misery and greatness of this world: it offers no truths, but only objects for love. Absurdity is king, but love saves us from it.” ~  Albert Camus, Notebooks 1935-1942

So in just the past few days I’ve found a new singer/songwriter and a new author. At least the days haven’t been a total wash.

Yesterday I sat down and collected quotes for a post, but that was as far as I got. I just didn’t have it in me to think, actually think about anything more than staring at the screen. Tumblr is good for situations such as that, when the main function is looking and not necessarily discerning. So I ran through a couple of days of my dashboard and then went back to bed.

"Winter--Yosemite Valley, California," by Ansel Adams (1951)

ODU spring semester began on Monday and Brett and Em went back to class. Eamonn is not going to college this semester. He has submitted an application to the shipyard’s apprenticeship program, the same program that Corey applied to a couple of years ago. Corey didn’t qualify because his high school curriculum did not include advanced math classes. Luckily, Eamonn did take Algebra and Geometry in high school, as well as technology and computer science. Applicants must have four out of six or seven required classes.

Here’s hoping it works out for him.

Brett is still fine-tuning his schedule, which is unfortunate. It just turned into one of those last-minute things because he is still undecided as to what he wants to do. His first love is astronomy, which means that he will need to get his bachelor’s in physics and then do his graduate work at another university that offers astronomy.

He was seriously considering going into nursing with a goal towards becoming a nurse practitioner. Things are so unsettled in so many ways right now that I know that he is anxious and stressed, and this is not the best way in which to begin a new semester. I’ll just be glad when tomorrow is over, and we can all settle down. I can’t write about tomorrow’s anticipated drama, but will write when it’s all over.

“I saw but was not seen. I walked unshadowed; I came unheralded.” ~ Virginia Woolf, The Waves

I had asked Corey to take a picture of me in front of the Christmas tree before we took it down. You must understand, I do not often seek for anyone to take my picture, so this was an unusual request. The entire thing became kind of farcical: I would pose while trying to look as if I weren’t posing. Corey would push the button, and nothing would happen. I would turn my head, and then the camera would click. Or, right as the shutter closed, one of the dogs would nose their way into the frame.

"Oak Tree, Snow Storm, Yosemite," by Ansel Adams from Portfolio One: Twelve Photographic Prints (1948)

Consequently, there really weren’t any good shots. Corey liked a few. I hated all of them. I have a very weird hang-up about my body (other than all of the other ones that I’ve mentioned): I hate my neck. I always envied those women with swan necks—long and elegant, but I could accept that I did not have the neck of a ballet dancer, that is until my neck became flabby.

When I lose weight, I lose it in my face and belly. But how does one go about losing weight in the neck? I mean really . . . think about it. So I have these extra chins, or whatever, and along with everything else, I am terribly self-conscious about it, which means that in each photo that Corey took, I could only see this part and nothing else.

Gawd I hate my self-image, and I hate that I have such a bad one, and I hate that I bought into the commercial hype of beauty, and I hate that I cannot rise above that which I know is crippling me.

“I think I still have rain somewhere in my heart.” ~ Kelwyn Sole, from “Near Brandvlei”

Anyway, I still haven’t had the strength to take down Christmas, and it doesn’t appear that anyone else is going to take the initiative since Christmas around here is a mom thing . . . Funny how that works. Brett did take down the outside lights, so at least we’re not the only family in the neighborhood to have decorations still up on our house.

"Pine Forest in Snow," by Ansel Adams (1932)

Since I first began this post, the sky has darkened, and the temperature has increased by two degrees. Go figure.

The atmosphere in the house at the moment is tense and prickly. It’s as if we’re all sitting on an unexploded bomb. Truly, I resent this intrusion into our lives. I have no doubts that the stress of this outside situation has contributed adversely to my health. I just want it all to be over so that I can go back to the normal insanity of our lives without others’ insanity stalking the periphery of what we call normalcy.

I wish at this moment that I could just enjoy the sound of the rain outside my window. Perhaps the soup that Corey is making for dinner will sweeten my disposition. It’s an old family Filipino recipe for chicken and rice soup, Arriz Caldo. It’s Corey’s first time making it, but it’s fairly simple. The key is using fresh ginger, and everyone knows that ginger is always good for what ails you.

More later (I hope). Peace.

Music by Vienna Teng, “Transcontinental, 1:30 AM”

                   

To the New Year

With what stillness at last
you appear in the valley
your first sunlight reaching down
to touch the tips of a few
high leaves that do not stir
as though they had not noticed
and did not know you at all
then the voice of a dove calls
from far away in itself
to the hush of the morning

so this is the sound of you
here and now whether or not
anyone hears it this is
where we have come with our age
our knowledge such as it is
and our hopes such as they are
invisible before us
untouched and still possible

~ W. S. Merwin

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“Yesterday was blue, like smoke.” ~ Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead

Tree in Field before the Storm (Pixdaus)

                   

“That is why the bird sings its songs into the world as though it were singing into its inner self, that’s why we take a birdsong into our own inner selves so easily, it seems to us that we translate it fully, with no remainder, into our feelings; a birdsong can even, for a moment, make the whole world into a sky within us, because we feel that the bird does not distinguish between its heart and the world’s.” ~ Rainer Marie Rilke, “Notes on Birds”

Friday evening. Warm, not too humid. Possibility of storms.

Field Storm by Maria (Pixdaus)

Last night I dreamed of a vast field, green and yellow and a storm approaching from the distance.

Today I spent the longest time in the pool so far this season. Tillie and Shakes joined me, which meant that splashing ensued, but it was still quite peaceful. Everyone else was in the house, so it was just me, the dogs, and lots of birds. It’s nice when it’s just the dogs because when I fall off the raft or talk to myself about my belly, they just look and listen as if I’m talking about cookies.

The mockingbirds are back. As I floated, I watched two small mockingbirds attack a much larger crow. I love mockingbirds, not just for their songs, but also for their fearlessness. They are the rebel songbirds; I like that about them.

The blue sky was dotted with puffy cumulus clouds, and thankfully, no leaf blowers or chain saws were in earshot, so overall, it was a peaceful few hours, except for the hole in my raft. I bought two rafts at the discount store, and one has a hole in it already—it’s never been used. You get what you pay for, I suppose, but these will have to do for now.

As a result, I got the beginnings of a nice tan on my front, and nothing on my back. I’m not too fussed about it, though. It’s not as if anyone ever sees me.

“Has it ever struck you . . . that life is all memory, except for the one present moment that goes by you so quickly you hardly catch it going? It’s really all memory . . . except for each passing moment.” ~ Tennessee Williams, The Milk Train Doesn’t Stop Here Anymore

Flight Before the Storm (Pixdaus)

Well, I had two doctors’ appointments this week. Have you ever had one of those doctors who just loves to do tests? My gastro guy has turned into one of those. He wasn’t always like that. We talked about the results from my last two tests, which essentially show the same things—my digestive system is whacked—and then he mentioned another test. I told him that I really didn’t think that it was necessary.

I think that I need to find a new gastro doctor. I mean, now that I’ve been poked and prodded from both ends, perhaps I can find someone who will now discuss treatment options with me instead of talking about more tests and referrals. This particular visit was part of the cause for my terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day; that, and more peripheral drama.

My other doctor’s visit was with my PCP, who is also starting to sound like a broken record: It would be nice if we could get you off some of these medications . . .

Really? That never occurred to me. Which ones do you think I can do without? The pain medicine for my back? The cholesterol medicine? The headache medicine?

Exactly.

So she sent me to the lab to have more vials of my life blood sucked out, and I’m certain that she will not be happy with the results because I have yet to begin my exercise regimen. I know. I know. I really do need to at least walk, but it’s mighty hard to steel the self for three or four miles when the vision is impaired from squinting as a result of the jack hammer that is at work on the skull.

Just saying . . .

“I thought how true it was that the world was a delightful place if it were not for the people, and how more than true it was that people were not worth troubling about . . .” ~ Katherine Mansfield, Violet

Red Stormy Skies (Pixdaus)

The ongoing drama at my house is not really something that I feel comfortable talking about as it does not directly involve me. Rather, Corey and I are on the periphery of events that are unfolding, and our role is pretty much relegated to support. I’m fine with this, especially in this particular situation.

I’ve been pondering the concept of people in the past few days. You might find that a bit odd, but not really. I mean, so many people come and go in our lives, and I firmly believe that each person leaves a little something behind, even if it is only a brief memory of an afternoon, or a remembered line from a conversation, or a sense of keen dread when remembering certain individuals.

I will admit that I am one of those people who usually causes one of two reactions in people: either strong dislike or undying loyalty. I’ve wondered what it is about me that causes this, and most probably, it is because I tend to speak my mind. I have found that, especially in a certain types of men, this is not a trait that is welcomed in a woman, which only makes me more vocal.

But at the same time, I know that in the past, I got along better with men than with women. I have found—at least in the workplace—that a group of women always has a very specific dynamic: one of extreme competitiveness, either for real power or perceived power. It’s that whole clique formation thing, perhaps a carryover from high school and the concept of mean girls. I know that it’s one thing that I do not miss at all about working full time.

Women can be absolutely brutal to one another, and that saddens me. It truly does. When I was an undergraduate taking Women’s Studies courses, I remember a lot of discussions about the sociology and psychology of females and the unspoken need to one-up another woman who may or may not be a competitor. As in, for example, the Queen Bee Syndrome: the woman who reaches a position of power who then does everything she can to make sure that no other women get promoted (there is only room at the top for one).

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” ~ Edith Wharton

Storm Clouds, South Dakota (Pixdaus)

I know that I’ve talked about these things before in this forum, but when I think back on some of the women I have left by the wayside in my own quest for fire, I am, most certainly, abashed. For example, I remember years ago when I managed the document production department for a government contractor. The art department was particularly troublesome.

The first graphic artist I hired was a seemingly nice woman. What I didn’t realize, even at the time, was that she was so insecure that anyone else I hired had to be willing to be subservient to her.

In my way of apology, it was my first time supervising so many people, and they were all female, until I hired a guy who had been in graduate school with me to work as an editor. Anyway, the senior graphic artist took a strong dislike to another artist I hired, and as a result, she (the first) took every opportunity to plant little tidbits of doubt in my ear. I was just naive enough to fall for it, and the end result was that the second graphic artist lost her job.

Now in my defense, she was habitually late and/or absent, so that was reason enough, but I never should have fallen prey to the constant brainwashing that X was really a terrible person, a bad artist, unproductive, ya da ya da ya da . . .

My point is this: I was stupid. The woman who reveled in spreading seeds of discontent was insecure, petty, and immature, and as a result, everyone lost.

“What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.” ~Sylvia Plath

Field Before the Storm (Pixdaus)

I would like to think that such things would not happen now. I’m older, wiser, more patient, and less prone to be swayed by idle gossip and venomous rancor. I wish that I had had these traits when I was in my 20’s, but of course, hindsight proves to be the greatest teacher of all. I think back on myself at that time and how certain I was of everything, how unwilling I was to bend for fear it would be seen as weakness.

I love it when young women declare to the world, I am not a feminist. I would never want to be that kind of woman.

What is the old saying? Feminism is the radical notion that women are people too (I’m paraphrasing). So many women of my daughter’s generation view feminists as men-haters, as lesbians, as hairy-arm-pitted radicals.

If only they knew. I was in the second wave, after the bra-burners. But if not for women like me who did not allow men on the staff to pat my bum or to call me sweetie, women in their 20’s would not have half the gains they have in the workplace. Fifty-one percent of the population is female. The number of women on corporate letterhead is still growing.

Women are in politics, in the boardroom, in private practice; they are partners in prestigious firms, and they are chief of staff. No longer are women in the service confined to bedpans and bandages. They can fly fighter jets.

At the same time, feminism is all about choices: those women who choose to stay home and raise their children, those women who choose not to get married, those women who choose to have careers and families. And all of this is because of the radicals of the 60’s and early 70’s, and those of us who came after and picked up the baton.

“’How does distance look?’ is a simple direct question. It extends from a spaceless
within to the edge
of what can be loved. It depends on light.” ~ Anne Carson, Autobiography of Red

Storm Clouds Over the Canola Field

I remember that sometimes it really did feel as if we were fighting in the trenches, with our power suits, pumps and briefcases. Take us seriously—the unwritten banner across our chests.

I remember the male general manager who did not want to promote a woman on staff because he did not like her laugh. I remember the male executive who asked me to microwave his lunch. I remember the teacher who told me that I should seriously consider a career in politics. I remember wondering if it would ever get better.

It did. And I did.

What seemed so far in the distance to me when I was just beginning my career is no longer unattainable simply because of gender. Yet for all of it, women still seem to be hardest on other women, and I’m not talking about in the insane vernacular of real housewives women. For every male who stood in my way in the workplace, there was a female who did the same.

I wonder if it will always be that way. I wonder if that is an American socialization thing, or if it spreads throughout countries all over the world.

Curious.

The computer is beginning to misbehave, and I haven’t even inserted my graphics yet, so let me close with this: A man asked Cher is she wasn’t a bit old to still be rocking. Cher replied, “You’d better ask Mick Jagger.”

More later. Peace.

Music by Grace Griffith, “My Life.” (Thanks, Leah in NC)

                   

When I Am Asked

When I am asked
how I began writing poems,
I talk about the indifference of nature.
It was soon after my mother died,
a brilliant June day,
everything blooming.

I sat on a gray stone bench
in a lovingly planted garden,
but the day lilies were as deaf
as the ears of drunken sleepers
and the roses curved inward.
Nothing was black or broken
and not a leaf fell
and the sun blared endless commercials
for summer holidays.

I sat on a gray stone bench
ringed with the ingenue faces
of pink and white impatiens
and placed my grief
in the mouth of language,
the only thing that would grieve with me.

~ Lisel Mueller